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New phone book
lists shiatsu shirts
and rubber safes

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As reported here last week, the new Verizon "superpages phone book" is so large, the U.N. Security Council is considering a resolution to keep it from taking over the planet. It could be called a weapon of mass ... well, just mass. This ponderous object has its own gravitational field.

But what kind of information does it contain? At the risk of further aggravating the biceps tear I suffered lifting the thing onto my desk, I flipped through it to see what was there.

Along with the several truckloads of phone numbers you'd expect to be present, there also are many pages of business coupons, restaurant menus and little tips for healthy living (i.e., one scoop of rice is better than two, but don't expect the lunch wagon owner to give you a break on the price.)

There is the previously mentioned two pages of Homeland Security information. It includes a description of the color-coded security advisory system, which, frankly, I don't get. I mean, if you have to explain what each color means, why do you need the colors? Just tell us what to do: Listen to the radio, spy on our neighbors, load up on duct tape, kiss our butts goodbye. Forget the colors. But the best defense against terrorist attack would be to build forts out of a few hundred of these phone books.

MY FAVORITE THING to do when the new phone book arrives -- because, let's face it, I'm a geek with a very low entertainment threshold -- is to look at the page headings in the Yellow Pages. These headings list the first and last services or merchandise to appear on a page and often make vaguely amusing combinations. Here are some from the new phone book:

» Acoustical -- Acupuncture: The screaming you hear when someone sticks hundreds of needles into someone else's body.

» Baby -- Bail: What your kid has to post after making fun of Dog the Bounty Hunter's hairdo. By the way, Hawaii's latest TV star, Duane "Dog" Chapman, has a whole page in the new phone book advertising his Da Kine Bail Bonds and featuring "kamaaina rates."

» Chiropractic -- Churches: For those with a religious bent.

» Shiatsu -- Shirts: If you think acoustical acupuncture is painful, try on one of these.

» Spiritual -- Sportswear: The latest in habits and robes for soccer-playing nuns, monks, friars and lamas.

» Horseback -- Koi: Sometimes fish are hot to trot, too.

» Rubber -- Safes: Specifically constructed to hold all those checks that bounce.

» Skin -- Snack: Pupu for the epicurious epidermist.

» Shock -- Shopping: Just about any time you go to the supermarket nowadays.

» Tattooing -- Tax: State legislators haven't thought of this yet. Give them time.

» Ventilating -- Veterinarians: What you end up doing to veterinarians who make house (or pond) calls to koi injured while horseback riding.

For individuals slight of frame or who lack the upper-body strength to utilize the new jumbo phone books, you can use the online version at www.superpages.com. It promises, "All the information with half the hernias!" Or should.

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