New phone book
creates its own gravity

The new Verizon "superpages phone book" is being delivered to homes across Hawaii as we speak. I put "superpages phone book" in quotations in the same way one would put "battleship Missouri" or "William Howard Taft" in quotations, if one were discussing something of prodigious heft and size.

At the risk of understatement, I can report that this is possibly the largest phone book in the universe. I received an advance copy, and it took two skilled piano movers to lug the thing up my driveway. It makes the USS Missouri look like fishing skiff and William Howard Taft a mere famished waif.

If you haven't yet received your copy of the "superpages phone book," I suggest you start an aggressive program of free weights to build up your strength and construct additional support under your home's floorboards. Did I mention this thing is big?

Whatever possessed Verizon to create this monster I don't know. The fact sheet that came with the behemoth states "the white pages and yellow pages have been combined for your convenience."

Yeah, convenience if you happen to be Arnold Schwarzenegger pumping up for a seniors' body-building competition.

The phone book's designers overlooked a few problems with this whale of printed matter, like, it will not fit in any household drawer and, in fact, might require its own room. I just hope whoever Verizon is paying to distribute the brutes has plenty of hernia insurance.

ON THE BRIGHT side, anything you ever wanted in the world of communications is contained in this publishing juggernaut. Aside from the phone numbers of possibly everyone in the known world, there is -- the fact sheet tells us -- a section on "Homeland Security" found on Pages 70 and 71 "in the front" of the book. (The fact that 70 pages into this corpulent compendium is still considered "the front" of the book tells you something about its girth.)

Also sprinkled throughout are little cartoons with tips on healthy living from the Department of Health like, "Eating before going shopping is a good way to start healthy living." Yes, eating WHILE shopping is generally frowned on by most nutritionists. But considering the aforementioned size and weight of this deluge of data, the Health Department should have included more relevant tips like "Lift with your legs."

Verizon says that distribution of the new books will take about four weeks, but I suspect there could be delays. For instance, if too many books are distributed on one side of the island first, Oahu could tip over.

As for my annual report on the interesting and amusing things that are contained in the new phone book, you'll have to wait until Sunday's "Honolulu Lite." I had to stop my research after severely straining my anterior biceps brachii while flipping through the section on personal injury lawyers.