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... reaps benefits far beyond
the simple pleasure
of sharing a meal
Some days, by the time darkness strikes, the best you can manage is to look over your family and make sure no one's missing.
Gathering everyone at the dinner table seems optional. On really hectic evenings, food itself seems optional.
But stop the world for a second.
Hawaii's Center on the Family would like you to consider the importance of the family meal. Definition: Everyone eating together; no TV.
"Research shows that kids who have family meals with their parents five or more times a week are much less likely to get involved in drugs or other risky behavior," says Ann Tom of the family center, a research and outreach agency at the University of Hawaii-Manoa.
This sort of common-sense argument is difficult to contest. What's hard is making it happen. Every family has a million excuses: soccer practice, hula lessons, music classes, Dad stuck in traffic, Mom working late ...
So Tom suggests you try for at least one night a week. Next week, make it Monday -- that's Family Day. Since 2001, the National Center for Addiction and Substance Abuse has designated the fourth Monday in September to make its point: Eat together; keep your kids out of trouble.
Benefits include improved communication, shared learning, even better nutrition, says Tom, Family Day's local coordinator. "All of these things go together toward this aim of making kids feel supported and nurtured and really connected to their families. It increases their desire to do what's right. It's our opportunity to pass on our values to our kids."
The routine, the chance to talk, the very fact that you place a high value on the shared meal -- all of that is comforting, even to kids too old to admit it.
"Keep it simple," Tom says. "It doesn't have to be a gourmet dinner. It's OK if you pick up take-out food on the way home, as long as you make it clear that this is a priority and we're going to spend time together."
OK, we get the concept. Now, how do we make it happen?
A little learning-by-example seems in order.
The Fukunaga family of Moanalua -- Cindy, Daryl and 8-year-old Farin -- manage a family dinner at home every weeknight, even working around Farin's Tuesday and Thursday soccer practices.
The parents take turns cooking and Farin even does kitchen duty. "Since he was a toddler he helped us with simple things, and as he grows older he's doing more and more," Cindy says. "It's a good time to teach him a lot of things, like nutrition, measuring."
The Fukunagas manage this in part through sheer force of will. Cindy plans out a week's meals and makes one grocery run, on Saturdays. Sunday dinner is super-sized to provide three or four meals. "I might put one portion in the refrigerator for the week, but I might put two or three portions in the freezer."
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On one typical Wednesday, for example, the Fukunagas are recycling the marinara sauce that Daryl cooked up on Sunday, when they served it over curly pasta. "Just to make it a little different today we're going to have it with fettucine and we're going to add spinach," Cindy says.
Farin helps cook the pasta and sauté the spinach.
Among Cindy's other common practices is to roast a chicken on Sunday and use the leftovers in a quick stir-fry with vegetables later in the week. She also buys some partially prepared foods, such as butterfish pre-marinated in miso sauce. And she keeps a well-stocked freezer.
"I guess it's natural," she says of her meal approach, "because we always have dinner home every night."
The Fukunagas have an advantage in that both parents make it home from work by 5 p.m. and their child comes home with them. This may not be the case at your house, but perhaps you have other factors you can turn to your advantage.
An older child who gets home first can start dinner, even if it's just to cook rice, make a salad or put something in the oven. Weekend meals shared with the grandparents can be bulked up to provide leftovers for a weekday meal. A decent takeout place near the office could become a regular crutch.
And just because you can't achieve daily perfection doesn't mean you should give up on the concept. If the whole family can't make it home, sit down with those who can. Aim for a single shared meal per week, or shift the family time to breakfast, if that's easier.
Keep in mind that eating together in front of the television doesn't count, although exceptions logically could be made for shows that are of shared interest and encourage conversation -- the Olympics, perhaps, or even "American Idol."
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But for the most part, the point is shared company.
"The TV is always off," says Ivette Stern, coordinator of the Center on the Family. "Sometimes we play soft music. I don't answer the phone during dinner and instead screen phone calls.
"As you can imagine, the conversation with a 5-year-old and an 11-year-old during dinner is all over the place. But I use this time to the best of my ability to have them talk about their day."
Like Cindy Fukunaga, Stern plans out her meals, shops on weekends and tries to cook ahead. But she also does take-out (especially pizza).
"I throw in a salad. It's a healthy option, a good filler and you don't have to cook it. If you put cheese in a salad, kids will eat it -- at least mine do."
And always, dessert. "It makes every day special."
Stern is divorced and dines with her children four days a week. Her ex-husband, she says, maintains the practice on his nights with the kids. "In fact, he and I are working together to have at least one family dinner that includes all of us every two weeks or so, because we value this tradition so much and see the benefits for the kids."
Yes, life is complicated, but often it is something simple, done with persistence, that can make the greatest difference.
"Sometimes families feel as though they have to create these special events for their kids," Family Day coordinator Tom says. "They have to go on a special vacation or spend a weekend doing all these special things together, when in reality the small things -- like sharing family meals -- really provide kids with everything they need."
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