[ MAIL CALL * ]

ART BY KIP AOKI / KAOKI@STARBULLETIN.COM

Looking good!

I loved your best-dressed UH athletes issue, and especially the story "Hip Pads and the Single Man." Of course it takes a well-heeled fashionista like June Jones to take the lead on the uniform issue and declare that Black is Back! It's about time that UH became trendsetters, rather than sticking with blah green each year. The accents on that H give me tingles. It's enough to make me sign a Letter of Intent. Me-yow! Four stars.

Good eating

Thank you, thank you, thank you for the elegant "Mike Cavanaugh's Guide to Backyard Beer Drinking and Hibachi Barbecue." His opening line ("Step one: Open beer") should stand with "Call me Ishmael" and "In the beginning" as one of literature's greatest. Coach Cav has truly inspired me to "trust my technique."

How shame

I am a student at a Midwestern college, and I never thought something like this would happen to me. But when I saw this drop-dead gorgeous brunette sending a steamy gaze my way, I - oops, wrong magazine!

Um, I mean I really liked that article about Timmy Chang.

Still crazy

@#$%^& pay-per-view is ruining football on Oahu. You know how much I like to slam Oregon State football 'cause I know da (UH guys) would smoke 'um, but one thing I notice and gotta respect is the unfaltering support they get from their fans, selling-out week in and week out. ALL the big schools are BIG because of their FAN base. Even with games on TV, the fans on the mainland show WAY more support, shun the @#$%^& TV broadcast, and go crazy in the stadiums, as it should be. Now, the main point of my letter. Heard about the latest in UH's unfortunate history of jokers turning against da 'Bows. Silly question. START taking a negative slant against talent leaving Hawaii, journalists! If you won't; I WILL.

There's only one Warrior

I was deeply offended by your "Get a Vili Makeover." The guy does wear a skirt and put makeup on his face, but he's very manly about it. It's a unique art. I know this "metrosexual" craze is sweeping the nation, but I don't think very many people can pull off this "look" the way Vili does. That's like saying just anyone can do what he does. Can just anyone fly like a bird? Could an amateur paint like Picasso? Can anyone besides fish swim? Let's not pretend his genius is so easily captured.

Deep Throat speaks

I read your in-depth piece "The Screwdriver Incident" with great interest. A compelling read, especially the "grassy knoll" conspiracy theory and the possibility of a second screwdriver! I guess the only thing we know for sure is no one will ever figure out who your "anonymous source" was. Right? Right?

Daaa Bowsssssss!

I have never written to a magazine before. In fact, I don't even subscribe to this one - I found it at the bus stop. But your article "42 Ways to be a UH Superfan" nearly brought me to tears. (And I had already done 36 of them!) As I was telling my sons, Wags, Kafentzis and Nuu, I predict UH will go undefeated this year!

Oh. He wasn't kidding

Try wait. People have told me that your "42 Ways to be a UH Superfan" article was actually just an exaggeration, to be funny. Like the Chicago Bears "Superfansss" skits on Saturday Night Live. Like it's humor. I don't get it. P.S., now I have 39 out of 42.

---

* OK, we'll come clean. These are fake letters. All of them. Well, most of them. Joan Rivers is really Kalani Simpson. And he writes regularly for the Star-Bulletin. Actual hate letters can be sent to him at ksimpson@starbulletin.com

---