Goddess loses her
friends over a guy

I recall a time, freshman year in college, when my acquaintances were many and good friends were close at hand. There was hardly time for me to feel hard-up for good conversation over some cheap greasy food from the cafeterias. My dorm phone rang with consistency, and the messages were general checkups and -ins from various friends across campus. And yet, here I find myself, five years later, holding a cell phone that hasn't made or received a call to a person outside of my family in three days.

What happened, I wonder? What event occurred that so drastically changed and stunted my social life? The question, I realize, is not rhetorical, as the answer comes to me too quickly. Simply put: I got a boyfriend.

We met the last semester of my sophomore year and were soon attached at the hip. In the beginning it was like adding a new body to my group of already close friends. We all played board games, went to dinners and parties, lounged around as a posse. This soon passed as my boyfriend and I found ourselves wanting time alone, when we could smooch without eliciting "ewws" from those around us.

So, without realizing the impact of what was to result, I began saying no to my friends. Did I want to meet after class? "No, I'm meeting him." How about taking a trip into the city? "No thanks, I'll hang here with him." Want to catch the new flick? "Oh sorry, we're seeing it Saturday night." And before long the invites stopped and the calling ceased, leaving me to my self-imposed isolation with this new love of mine.

Things carried on this way for years in spite of repeated warnings including an angry e-mail from a good friend demanding an explanation for my hiatus.

Then one day reality set in.

I WAS UPSET with my boyfriend because we had been spending less and less time together. He had commitments with his friends, plans and events that were taking up his free nights and keeping him busy. And on those nights I sat in my room thinking about where he was, when I should have been calling up friends and arranging my own plans.

Problem with that was I no longer had any friends. I had spent so many years breaking promises and not returning phone calls in favor of his company that everyone had jumped ship. The dilemma I'm then left to contemplate is how he was able to keep those friendships alive while dedicating the time to a new relationship and I failed so miserably.

The conclusion I've come to, factoring out my own unique personality, is that this pattern is not so uncommon. There are many couples in relationships that have problems due to men going out with their friends while women stay home watching every minute that ticks past: midnight-1 a.m.-2 a.m.-where is he?

In my opinion it has much to do with the old pattern that a romantic relationship can fall into, one that says men should be the aggressor, assume the dominant role, all the way up until we say "I do" and change our last names. Even in 2004, living in one of the most progressive cities in the world, I still find myself emotionally chained by the notion that every aspect of my life has to somehow involve him, all the while envying the piece of independence he's allowed to keep.

It's time for a change! Consider these words my bolt cutters, and with them I'll be able to myself, pick up my cell phone and begin calling my old friends, with the hope that they'll understand.