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Online cartoon takes
hilarious bipartisan jabs

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The funniest thing on the Internet, or just about anywhere, is the musical cartoon called "This Land" featuring President George Bush and President Wannabe John Kerry attacking each other in song.

It's a parody of Woody Guthrie's "This land was made for you and me" song and the "South Park-like" art work rocks. The unusual thing about it, though, is that it is the only truly "bipartisan" thing to be aired this campaign season. The creators take equally hilarious and devastating shots at both candidates -- Kerry calling Bush a "dumb-*ss" and Bush calling Kerry "Herman Munster."

You can find it at www.jibjab.com. (Warning: It takes a few minutes to load.)

Speaking of funny, comedian Bo Irvine's Comedy Show Down, in which up-and-coming island comics compete for semi-fabulous prizes, is airing every Tuesday on OC16 at 9 p.m. I missed the first one but apparently my attempt at standup was duly documented. Otherwise, it looks like a great program.

Now the news ...

Whale is in dam trouble

ANNAPOLIS ROYAL, N. S. (CP) >> Scientists are considering playing audio tapes of feeding whales to a trapped humpback to entice him to swim through the underwater gates of a Nova Scotia power dam.

The young humpback, named "Sluice" by onlookers, swam through the gates of the Annapolis Tidal Power Plant and became trapped up the river. Scientists have been trying to find ways to lure him out of the sluice gates ever since.

(How about playing tapes of young naked female whales saying "Oooh, Sluicey, doncha wanna come out and play?")

Dad and son are two aces

STAFFORD, N.Y. (AP) >> A father and son split the bill for drinks on the house after hitting consecutive holes-in-one on the same golf hole.

Steve Percassi Jr., 28, hit the first ace on the 168-yard par-3 at Stafford Country Club. Then his dad, Steve Sr., 57, stepped up and knocked in his own hole-in-one.

"When we left the course, the first thing I did was buy lottery tickets," junior said.

(Apparently, confirming holes-in-one at this club isn't too difficult. Junior said dad made a hole-in-one and Dad said junior did. So there you go. Amazingly, neither won the lottery.)

Dial 1-900-NAG-ME

HONG KONG (AP) >> A Hong Kong company is developing a "virtual girlfriend" for new cell phones with video capability. The animated girlfriends will require a lot of attention, including flowers and diamonds. If neglected, the girlfriend will not talk to you, a spokesman said.

(In other words, you get all the aggravation of a relationship with none of the sex. Great idea.)

Honolulu Lite on Sunday:

Despite what the rapper Ludacris might think, a "backhoe" is not a female who gives massage. A backhoe is a large, dangerous and extremely heavy appliance for picking up dirt and rocks and generally wreaking havoc on nature. In a special Honolulu Lite Extra on Sunday, I'll tell you how much fun it is to play with one.

Quote Me On This:

'When I was young, I used to think that wealth and power would bring me happiness. I was right." -- Gahan Wilson

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