Our legislator in Iraq
would have a blast

News item: State representative Tulsi Tamayo, a member of a National Guard unit called to active duty in Iraq, believes she can perform her duties both as a soldier at war and a legislator back home.

Future conference call between a legislator in Baghdad and office manager in Hawaii:

Legislator: How's my reelection campaign going?

Manager: Not good. Somebody's stealing your signs out of yards. What should we do?

Legislator: : Booby-trap them with a little C-4.

Manager: You can't blow up people.

Legislator: Sure you can. I saw some people blown up just this morning. It's a very effective management tool.

Manager: You can't blow up people in Hawaii.

Legislator: Fine, Tinkerbell. What's the enemy up to?

Manager: You mean your political opponent?

Legislator: Enemy, opponent, what's the diff? If they aren't with us, they're against us. He needs to be taken out.

Manager: Taken out? You can't "take out" a candidate in America.

Legislator: Man, is our election system messed up.

Manager: We've gotten calls from your constituents complaining about pot holes.

Legislator: Pot holes. They wanna see pot holes? We've got potholes in Baghdad you can't drive a Humvee through. What's causing the pot holes there, mortar rounds?

Manager: No, just the usual wear and tear.

Legislator: So call an engineering battalion and have them fill the darn things.

Manager: What engineering battalion?

Legislator: INCOMING! (Sound of explosion.)

Manager: Hello? Hello?

Legislator: Whew, that was a close one. Took out the building next door. Now, where were we?

Manager: There's a floor vote next week on a bill to name a state fish. It's between a humuhumunukunukuapuaa and a grouper.

Legislator: I just almost got blown to smithereens and you want to talk about groupers?

Manager: As an issue, fish are big.

Legislator: Not here. You wanna know what's big here? Scorpions. They're the size of catcher's mitt. Had one in my sleeping bag last night.

Manager: The Ways and Means subcommittee on finance is considering the interim budget for infrastructure allocation and disbursement.

Legislator: Am I supposed to care?

Manager: You're the committee co-chairperson.

Legislator: Hold on. I see something by the road. Never mind. It's just an arm.

Manager: An arm?!

Legislator: You see them all the time over here. Arms, legs ... it's those darn roadside improvised explosives the insurgents leave laying around. Now, where were we? Some important budget thingy. INCOMING! (Loud explosion.) Hey, listen. We've got some kind of a battle raging right now. Let me get back to you on the fish and pot holes.