MAKAI ]
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Love grows
Seven decades filled with an
abundance of love, bouts of
anger and years of hard work
Spending seven years with the same person can be enough to drive a person crazy. Heck, celebrities have split in seven days or less (though the record one day of marriage might belong to Britney Spears). Now, imagine spending 70 years of wedded bliss.
It can be done, as Joe and Nancy Nicolai have proven.
Neither would say it's all been roses.
"How stupid to put up with a man for that long. I should have ran away," Nancy laughed. But neither seriously considered bailing out. There's no such thing as a relationship void of a hefty dash of compromise, but the couple learned a long time ago that the process of adapting, of facing changes and challenges together, is essential for a lasting marriage.
Time and again, they were able to talk through their differences and their changes as individuals over time, and reconfirm their commitment to make things work for the long run.
"Life is complicated. You need to make the best of things," said Nancy, who added, "We were so busy, time flew by."
The Nicolais grew up in the same town, in a very different era.
"I used to deliver milk in a little town in Italy. Lots of boys tried to follow me," Nancy said. "I had to get an older girl to walk with me on my route."
In the early 20th century, it was not appropriate for boys and girls to socialize freely.
The Castiglione a Casauria countryside was filled with beautiful vineyards, she recalled.
Nancy, now 89, got to know Joe, 94, through brief conversations during her deliveries. "But, it was so strict. Girls never went anywhere alone," she said, while expressing concern over the behavior of today's youth.
"Girls need to be more strict with themselves. They spend too much time alone with boys. They don't know what they are doing," she said. "(When I was younger) we would not get involved with a boy unless we were going to marry him.
"Marriage is also too fast. They don't take the time to get to know each other," she added, suggesting it is one reason some women end up being mistreated by men unable to provide for a family.
As a teenager, Joe longed "to get married as soon as possible."
"Long-lasting marriage depends on the people ... whether they marry for selfish reasons or for real," he said.
Joe proposed to Nancy and gave her an engagement ring before he left on a two-year military tour. They were married on June 13, 1934, in Italy.
"I never had a selfish desire. I had in mind all the time how she would feel about things," he added.
"Some people are divorced before the day is over," said Joe, referring to Britney Spears' wedding fiasco. "They just find something wrong with each other and realize that they made a mistake."
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JOE EVENTUALLY ventured to America to settle before sending for his wife. They lived in Wellesley, Mass., until 1946, when they crossed the country with their two children, Joseph Jr. and Ann Marie, settling in Van Nuys, Calif.
The couple agrees that building their family home in California was the high point of their marriage. Rent was inflated because of the war, Joe said. A family friend helped them purchase a piece of land. "He sent me on my way to success," Joe said.
"We built a plain, little home," added Nancy. Frills were not necessary, and in eight months they had built a family haven, only for Joe to find the growing amount of smog unbearable.
"I visited Hawaii and got my health back," Joe said. "I sweat all that poison out of my body."
Joe suggested moving to Hawaii, but Nancy didn't want to leave. They made a pact in 1962 that they would try Hawaii for two years, and they've been here ever since. Their compromise paid off.
The low points in the marriage were marked by silence over differences. "When we got angry at each other, we didn't talk," Nancy said. "Sometimes we would not talk for days."
Eventually, she said, "we would forget why we were mad."
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ONE OF THE benefits of a successful marriage is that it sets a good example for the next generation. Their daughter, Ann Marie Minner, seems to be following in her parents' footsteps. She has been married for 47 years.
She also got a strong dose of reality when she got married.
"Marriage is a contract," Minner said, having learned from her parents that loyalty over the long run is more important than giving in to instant passion.
"There is no such thing as a perfect marriage," Joe said.
"You learn to meet each other halfway," added Nancy. "We had to forgive each other and try to solve our problems."
But the relationship has served them well, with both leading long, active lives in Windward Oahu.
Statistics show that half of marriages today end in divorce, but Nancy feels more couples would last if they realize "it's impossible to get along all of the time. Everyone has problems.
"People give up too easily. You can always talk things out."
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