If you can’t stand
the heat, Chillow out

For some reason in the Digital Age, "fast-hot technology" got a big head start on "fast-cold technology."

Within our humble homes, most of us have been able to harness the power of several suns for decades now, microwaving popcorn faster than we can dim the lights on movie night.

But just like a trip to the DMV or to our crazy relatives who still live in the country, when it comes to turning water into ice cubes, we still have no idea how long that could take.

This is particularly vexing for Digital Slobs, who desperately seek quick relief from sweltering heat -- the kind of heat that curls up cassette tapes on dashboards like bacon in a skillet; the kind of heat that inspires old ladies to steer their Lincoln Continentals wearing oven mitts; the kind of heat where you bend down on the cement sidewalk to tie your shoes and suddenly wake up in the emergency room being hydrated intravenously.

In other words, August.

Therefore, in tandem with the northern hemisphere's annual upward tilt, Slobs recline in La-Z-Boys under central-air vents where we remain until the Earth's seasonal wobble pivots our side of the globe back into the shade.

Thus, Slobs rarely get skin cancer, because when it comes to sun protection, Coppertone has nothing that can beat a roof, floor and four walls of sheet rock.

In fact, this time of year the only reason most Digital Slobs make it to our climate-controlled offices and remain there for 40 hours a week is because, between other errands, that's how long it takes to get the pit stains in our shirts under control.

This is not to suggest that Slobs are "fair-weather friends," but if you want us to go that extra mile, from driving you to the airport to donating bone marrow, just know we're much more inclined to do it when the humidity is below 50 percent.

Unfortunately, sometimes heat creeps into our domestic Digital Age bunkers. Air conditioners break, fans short-circuit, electric companies call our past-due-bill bluffs and pull the plug.

For all these circumstances, and more, Maverick Marketing Ventures has brought us the Chillow (www.chillow.com), a perpetual cooling pad for our pillows that needs only tap water inside to subdue all our late-night tossing and turning. Without any batteries, or electricity, or noise (or any explanation, mysteriously), it stays cooler than the world around it.

The Chillow's makers claim people can nod off 68 percent faster, and have 21 percent more REM sleep (for me, that means 21 percent more time frolicking on a beach with Catherine Zeta-Jones), when resting their heads on their glove-leather-like pad.

Even though I couldn't verify any independent studies, I tried the Chillow and it worked. The last time I fell asleep that fast, I woke up with gauze in my mouth missing four wisdom teeth.

Some (perhaps those living closer to the equator) may find the subtle Chillow doesn't pack the polar punch they were anticipating. Then again, nobody ever dozed off while sticking their head in a cooler of ice water, either.

The makers explain that the device acts as a radiator, and matches your body's needs. Therefore, it will not be as cool in the morning, when sleepy metabolisms run slower and the air itself is cooler.

But for those looking for a few more degrees of separation between themselves and sizzling summer temperatures, the Chillow could be the one security blanket that will always be cool to hug.