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Koko, Oprah take a
big bite out of Maui

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When future Maui resident Koko the talking gorilla complained via sign language that she had a toothache, a team of 12 specialists, including three dentists, swept into action. This may be jealousy talking, but when I have a toothache even my dog doesn't care. And it takes weeks to get an appointment with a single dentist whose enthusiasm for the project is fueled mainly by my double health insurance coverage.

Koko's still planning to move onto 70 acres on Maui but there is no "sign" whether her crack team of health specialists will be moving in too. Perhaps they will be staying on Oprah Winfrey's zillion acres of Maui land, where she plans to open a high-end health retreat.

Indigenous Maui residents seeing their property taxes soar because of all the outside interest in their island, no doubt have a hand sign of their own for Oprah, Koko, et al. And it's not a shaka sign.

Now the news ...

This hole really sucks

ZAGREB, Croatia (MSNBC) » Cave explorers have discovered what is believed to be the world's deepest hole, a cave with a vertical plunge of more than 1,600 feet.

At the foot of the cave are small ponds and streams which include the largest known colony of subterranean leeches.

(Editors of "Deep Holes and Lotsa Leeches Magazine" trumpeted the discovery as one of the most significant ever in the history of deep, leech-filled holes.)

Wedding left a bad taste

MANILA (AP) » Four family members have been charged with murder after they allegedly killed a relative and served parts of his cooked body to guests at a wedding reception.

At the wedding of his daughter, Eladio Baule got angry with his cousin Benjie Ganay, who had tripped and accidentally touched the bride's bottom, police said. Baule and some family members allegedly took Ganay to a secluded place, killed him and cooked him in kerosene and coconut leaves. The group took part of the body back to the wedding reception and served it to unknowing guests, police said.

(Guests later said the mystery meat tasted like chicken -- well, chicken wearing a hat and tennis shoes and cooked in kerosene.)

Killing is an eye-opener

MANILA (AP) » Enraged by an old grudge, a blind man fatally stabbed his blind friend whom he found by feeling his way through a residence for the disabled and identifying the victim by his voice.

(Since justice is blind, too, this should be a slam dunk case.)

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Honolulu Lite on Sunday:
In Sunday's Honolulu Lite, (found neatly tucked away in "Mauka-Makai" magazine which itself is tucked away somewhere deep in the bowels of the massive Sunday paper) we will attempt to discover the origins of the term "duck soup," which is neither a piece of cake nor as easy as pie.

Quote Me On This (Department of Food):
"We've lived for days on nothing but food and water." -- W.C. Fields

"I'm at the age when food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table." -- Rodney Dangerfield

"Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat." -- Alex Levine

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