My Kind of Town

Don Chapman

Praise allah for fools

>>East-West Center

Under questioning by the FBI's counter-terrorism unit, it was determined that Imam Muhammed ibn Wahhad had come to Hawaii to scout possible terror sites -- military, government and civilian.

Associated with a number of Islamic extremist groups, including al Quaeda, Hezbollah and Abu Sayaf, he happened to read in the newspaper about a meeting of a young Buddhist lama with Hawaii's religious leaders.

Ibn Wahhad was not an operative, certainly not a wearer of bombs -- praise be to Allah for creating fools. He traveled, in fact, as a scholar. But as the lama spoke so brazenly of many gods and prophets all working for the same cause and conversing together in the spirit realm, the word "Polytheist!" was on his lips and he was charging the lama with a plastic knife drawn from the scabbard of his Koran.

Ibn Wahhad was also not involved with the Chinese secret police.

Which meant that the imam traveling with a rabbi must have been the real Te-Wu agent. Both of them were Te-Wu, and obviously clever with disguises.

Meanwhile back at Jefferson Hall, chaos reigned outside as word spread about the imam's attack on the second Lama Jey Tsong Khapa, and how he was saved. There was chaos especially among the media and the police investigators. Columnist Cruz MacKenzie, the print media pool reporter, was sure he'd seen a very large, very brown, very beautiful, very naked woman step between the lama and the one-man jihad. But on extreme photographer Johnny B. Goo's digital images, there was a white cloud where the immense woman was.

"Oh yeah, she's real," HPD Quinn Ah Sun would say. "She called me by name. When I asked her about it later, she said she knows my wife's family from way back. Then she was gone as quick as she came."

"She is Ho'ola, goddess of life," the lama explained. "My dear friend."

But neither radio nor TV reporters saw her, and the TV pool camera didn't pick up anything.

Hawaii's religious leaders were also divided. Those who did admit to seeing Ho'ola were mostly appalled at her walking around "buck naked," though one opined "that sure is a lot of fine woman, mm-mm-mm."

But everyone saw and remembered -- and the cameras caught it -- as St. Meg the Divine performed her second miracle on Oahu, putting some kind of a hex on the imam, making him shake so hard he dropped the knife and couldn't move. Calls from around the world soon began to flood in, begging for her presence and power.

Almost overlooked in the hub-bub after the attack was that when Ho'ola merely touched the monk who had leaped to the lama's defense and for his altruism was badly slashed, the wound healed.

See the Columnists section for some past articles.

Don Chapman is editor of MidWeek. His serialized novel runs daily in the Star-Bulletin. He can be e-mailed at



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