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Honolulu Lite Charles Memminger |
There’s a race for mayor,
rumor has itI think I can say without fear of contradiction or reprisal that the race for mayor of Honolulu between Dr. Duke Bainum and Mufi Hannemann is the most exciting political duel in the history of Hawaii politics, if not American electioneering in general.
Chicken skin, brah. Going through the checkout line in the supermarket, you hear "Mufi" and "Duke" dripping off the lips of every shopper. Restaurant patrons are driven to such a fever pitch arguing the merits of "their guy" that I've heard a Bainum supporter attacked a Mufi adherent with a salad fork. His opponent fended him off with a soup spoon, and they were pulled apart before butter knives were drawn. And that was just over a discussion of which candidate would best handle the reconstruction of Honolulu's sewer system.
And who can blame them? Mufi and Duke bring out the unbridled (not to mention, unsaddled) passion in people. To hear Duke address a morning Rotary Club meeting recalls the stirring oratory of Che Guevara or Teddy Roosevelt. His call to arms for development of a new litter-control program in upper Kalihi evokes images of Gen. Douglas MacArthur slogging ashore in the Philippines.
Mufi brings tears to the eyes with heart-wrenching tales of how matching federal funds can be used to facilitate the filling in of potholes and beefing up the dead animal collection department.
The prospect of a debate between these two dynamic political juggernauts causes the heart to flutter. When they take the gloves off (why they wear gloves, I'm not quite sure) and go at each other tooth, nail, cartilage and hair follicle on the podium, you can bet that Don King will be calling the bout live on C-SPAN. Paramedics will stand by to carry out the swooners when the battle of words turns to bond issues and ... and ... and, I'm sorry, I can't do this. I thought I could. But I can't.
THE TRUTH IS that the election for mayor is one of the most boring races in the history of, well, democracy. That might sound like overstatement, but think about it. See? It isn't.
Bainum and Hannemann are nice guys and smart and equally capable of being mayor of a smallish American city. The question is, Why would they want to? Being mayor of Honolulu is a thankless job. Just ask current Mayor Jeremy Harris. No one's thanked him lately.
And Frank Fasi was Honolulu mayor for 147 years because nobody else was dumb enough to want the job. (Rumor has it Fasi is running again this year, but, you know, who cares?)
I've tried to get excited about this year's election, but it's hopeless. People aren't talking about Mufi and Duke in supermarket lines. They're talking about asparagus, artichokes and tiny onions. Produce is more exciting than this mayor's race.
Here's a free campaign slogan for either candidate: "Can't We Just Get This Thing Over With?"
See the Columnists section for some past articles.
Charles Memminger, the National Society of Newspaper Columnists' 2004 First Place Award winner for humor writing, appears Sundays, Tuesdays, Thursdays and Fridays. E-mail cmemminger@starbulletin.com