[ RELATIONSHIPS ]
Keeping a marriage
afloatBefore jumping ship on a relationship,
give therapy a chance
As summer's brides and grooms walk down the aisle, they're all anticipating the happily-ever-after ending to their courtship. In that time of bliss, few allow themselves the mere thought of divorce as a possible outcome.
Couples spend months or even years planning their perfect wedding day, pinpointing everything from who's baking the cake to who's performing at the reception. Unfortunately, most couples don't invest as much energy into planning how their marriage will work, said Dr. Linda Olson, a clinical psychologist and host of the national syndicated radio show "America's Love Doctor."
That's because the notion of love as the basis for marriage is a relatively new phenomenon. Until the 20th century, unions were more likely to be backed by family business interests and financial practicality. The goals of marriage were to have children and economic stability.
"Expectations were different," explained Olson, who describes herself as "a strong advocate of marriage education."
All relationships have their ups and downs, she said, and every relationship can be helped, even if it seems to be on the edge of collapse.
As an Imago therapist, she encourages couples to attend workshops and seek therapy as soon as their relationship seems to be taking a wrong turn. Often, that can happen as soon as the honeymoon phase is over.
"Infatuation only lasts for about 18 months," she said. Unfortunately, many people believe that their relationship will remain as passionate and romantic as it did during their courtship.
While it's normal to see passion flag, this normal stage of relationship can seem devastating to someone expecting the same kind of romance typical of courtship stages. Olson said that simply by talking to a therapist, couples can find reassurance in the knowledge that their "struggles" are developmentally normal and not signs of a failing relationship.
"If couples learn basic communication skills, it improves the quality and stability of the marriage," Olson said. "There are predictable stages." Damage occurs when a person doesn't know how to get out of a power struggle. It's often a repeat of the same unresolved struggles between their parents.
Imago Therapy was founded by Dr. Harville Hendrix, the author of "Getting the Love You Want," during the early 1980s. Hendrix believes that people who grow up in Western cultures unconsciously bring unfinished business from childhood into romantic relationships for resolution.
"Most people think that falling in love and staying in love is a magic formula," Olson said. "They just need to understand what romantic relationships are all about. If they get stuck in the power-struggle phase of a relationship, most people think they married the wrong person, made a mistake and chose an incompatible mate.
"It doesn't matter if you marry Joe, Bill or Henry; there is different packaging but the same underlying issues."
She said relationship skills need to be taught, just as math skills have to be learned. But no instruction is given because "people are expected to know how to build a relationship," she said. Even worse, we're taught to feel that only losers cannot make friends or find a love interest.
"This is how you go down the river," Olson said. "If the phases of a relationship are not recognizable, couples tend to give up more easily. They say, 'I'm out of here' ... and just jump ship."
Linda Olson also conducts online workshops and consultations. Visit www.americaslovedoctor.com for more information.
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Finding and keeping a therapist
Here are some things to consider when looking for a therapist:
» Make sure a therapist gives you an approximate idea of how long you will be in therapy. "It's an awful feeling, knowing that 20 years of therapy has likely financed a mansion and a yacht, but you have seen no progress," said Dr. Linda Olson.
» On the first visit, ask your therapist to help you and your partner determine realistic goals.
» Make sure the payment plan is clear. Find out what types of insurance the doctor accepts and when you will be running into overtime for calls, e-mails or extra time during sessions. Bartering is almost always unacceptable.
» Expect a therapist to maintain confidentiality at all times. Any information that is shared requires a signed release from both parties.
» Make sure the therapist clearly states whether he expects to see couples together and/or individually.
» Ask about the therapist's success rate in working with couples.
» Ask if the therapist requires a disclosure of extra-marital affairs. Although it is not the norm, some refuse to treat a couple unless both partners tell all.
» Ask if couples are required to attend workshops, read books or complete homework assignments.
» Find out if the therapist requires couples to sign a contract for therapy and treatment goals.
» "Hope springs eternal," said Olson. You should always feel that therapy is a safe place to talk about your relationship expectations and challenges. Expect your therapist to instill hope especially at the beginning of treatment.
When to end therapy:
» The therapist does not honor your treatment plan.
» You don't like or feel you can't trust your therapist.
» The therapist suggests any kind of dual relationship, such as a business venture that involves the therapist.
» If there is any violation of sexual or physical boundary through innuendoes, inappropriate physical comments, gestures or remarks.
» You feel discouraged or hopeless.
» Your relationship is not improving and you cannot see any benefits from treatment. Four to six weeks should be a good indicator.
» "If you've gone through a series of therapists and no one seems to be effective, you might want to stick with the current one and explore the issues that are coming up, added Olson.
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