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Digital Slob Curt Brandao |
Yes, I AM going to eat
that, so just back offThis week, we continue with Part Six of "10 Stupid Things Respectable People Do to Mess Up the World."
No. 5) Diet dictating: Respectable People usually take great pains to present their best, polite selves to the outside world -- polishing their shoes, opening doors for strangers, going to another room to pass gas, etc.
Yet despite all their efforts, these devils in disguise blow their cover every time at the dinner table, casting a gloomy spell with eight malevolent words: "You're not going to eat that, are you?"
A Respectable Person will suck the fun right out of any occasion just to secure the haughty, healthy high ground. Once they vomit up that phrase, the festive atmosphere is gone, and the castigation begins, which can turn any party (and all hot wings except those basted in habanero sauce) stale.
And pop culture constantly keeps their powder dry with fresh, health-crazed rhetoric.
Nationwide, about the only thing swelling faster than obesity is obesity statistics. And now there's "Supersize Me," a movie featuring a guy who risks death eating at McDonald's every day for a month (Slob tip: Watch this film alone -- having your significant other scowl into your peripheral vision for 98 minutes just because you snuck a Big Mac into the theater can be very distracting).
But while most Respectable People are constantly pretending to be deacons in the latest diet cult, most Slobs actually tried to choose a more righteous path -- once.
In the mid-90s, I tried the Cabbage Soup Diet. I sucked it down 24/7. After almost six weeks, it was practically coming out of my pores. I reeked. I didn't lose any weight, but I did lose the security deposit on my apartment.
But despite our failures, the last thing we should do is let Respectable People prattle on, shaking their healthy, gout-free fingers in our faces. So here's a couple of countermeasures to neutralize their low-carb lectures while the appetizers are still at least a little appetizing:
>> Tell them fast food has many fringe benefits you'll never find on a nutritional chart, like the "no fuss, no muss" factor. Bringing home McDonald's or Burger King makes washing dishes a snap -- it can be done in five to 10 seconds, depending on how far the dining table is from the garbage can, and your ability to nail a jumper from open court.
Even if you miss the shot, fast food usually doesn't attract bugs. Leave a piece of pineapple out in the morning, and by mid-afternoon, ants will make your sink look like L.A.'s 405 at rush hour. Leave out a stray McDonald's french fry, however, and 20 minutes later its polymers fuse, hardening it to such a consistency insects can't distinguish it from a pencil.
>> Tell them we don't need Atkins or South Beach, because all Slobs with live-ins are on a lifelong diet -- the Argue Until We Eat Diet.
It's based on breathing exercises, or "yelling." You start with four to six reps of "But I hardly ate anything yesterday!" then a round of "Not sushi, anywhere but sushi!" Then wrap it all up with "Keep you hands off my chicken skin, I LIKE CHICKEN SKIN!!" Cool down with a double order of mashed potatoes, making sure to breathe through your nose while swallowing.
So, Respectable People, stop the chow-time sermons, or you might have to spread the next diet fad by word of mouth with a fat lip.
Curt Brandao is the Star-Bulletin's production editor. Reach him at: cbrandao@starbulletin.com