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Honolulu Lite Charles Memminger |
We can only dream
of Dobelle’s teamI never realized that fired University of Hawaii president Evan Dobelle would have such a profound effect on my life.
When I was a little kid, I dreamed of becoming a fireman or someone even more fearless, like a commodities trader. Later, I dreamed of becoming a millionaire, because, as a millionaire, you can buy commodities traders.
When I found out how little a million bucks was, I began to dream that I'd become a multi-millionaire and do many good deeds around the world, like hire downtrodden 13- year-old South Americans to make tennis shoes at a reasonable salary (i.e. 42 cents a day).
But now, my hopes and dreams are soaring to new heights. Today, I dream of being so well off that if I ever got into trouble, I could hire the same team of lawyers that Dobelle has hired to sue the UH.
Dream team? This cluster of counsel is the fantasy of anyone who ever salivated at the thought of putting the legal hurt on someone who had done them wrong. Or even someone who hadn't. Trust me, if you had these guys on your side, you'd sue your own mother.
Who are they? Rick Fried, who's won some of the biggest civil judgments in the state's history. His name is pronounced "freed" but if you're the opponent, it's "fried," as in chicken. Then there's Mark Davis, a future federal judge who specializes in personal injury. That is, imposing personal (financial) injury on those who go against his clients. Then comes John Edmunds, a trial lawyer with an international reputation; a reputation for being unpleasant in legal negotiations. There's Jeff Portnoy, a slander and libel expert who can find "actual malice" in the dark. Finally comes David Simons, an expert in employment law and the only one I've never met. But if he can hang out with these guys, I'd want him in my stable.
ALL TOGETHER, you are looking at about 8,000 pounds of legal beef on the hoof. Their hourly fees would bankrupt a small country. But because they work on commissions, they only take a piece of whatever they get for you, if you happen to be the former president of a university who was tossed out on his bum. Even though they work on commission, your case has to be so huge that you won't mind seeing them hauling away piles of your winnings in wheelbarrows.
I'd love to be there, man. Someone hurt me bad enough so that these dudes come running to my aid.
That's not to say I'm unhappy with my attorney. John Perkin is the Memminger Family Attorney General and hero. Dobelle should have hired him, too. When someone tried to steal my Web site nomayo. com, Perkin rode to the rescue of the Worldwide I Hate Mayonnaise Club. He has the distinction of being the champion of a black letter law case known all over the Internet as simply "No Mayo v No Mayo."
I love John, but as for Dobelle's legal team, a kid can still dream, can't he?
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Charles Memminger, the National Society of Newspaper Columnists' 2004 First Place Award winner for humor writing, appears Sundays, Tuesdays, Thursdays and Fridays. E-mail cmemminger@starbulletin.com