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Digital Slob Curt Brandao |
Catching up on that
list of annoying traitsAfter a protracted vacation, "Digital Slob" is back, and continuing with "10 Stupid Things Respectable People Do to Mess Up the World."
Like most Slobs, after a long trip I have a hard time remembering which key opens the deadbolt on my front door, never mind keeping track of what pressing business I left to catch dust in the interim.
But, I vaguely recollect that we were about halfway up the list of all the awful things that Respectable People do so effortlessly, it makes us almost numb to how awful they are.
So let's review Nos. 10 through 7, with an example of each in the voice of the offenders:
10) Proactive lending: "Here, read this 988-page tome on the architecture of ancient Samara, and don't forget to bring it back Monday and tell me what you think. It moved me, and you must know exactly how, even if it kills your weekend. Oh, and don't get any coffee stains on the book jacket unless you want to owe me $49.95."
9) Schadenfreude gifting: "Hey, I heard you're having trouble making mortgage payments. So I got you a gift certificate for Happy Camper Outdoor Gear. Heck, some of their tents are so fancy, you might almost be able to feign some modicum of self-respect while living in one!"
8) Sleep debting: "I'm the boss, you're fired. I've had it with your complaints about sporadic heart palpitations while working six shifts in a row. You'll be easy to replace. There are plenty of people with great resumes who won't think I'm a haggard, delusional, paranoid lunatic, like maybe that giant pink bunny rabbit that kindly wipes the spots out of my eyes right after my fourth pot of coffee every morning."
7) Cellular gaffing: "Hello, John, thank God I got your voice mail. I filed for divorce. I know last night I promised to give us another try, but you were crying nonstop for like three hours and I just wanted you to shut up. Hey, this is uncomfortable for me, too, OK? I'm in the frozen food section at the grocery store right now, and I'm freezing!"
Now that we're all up to speed, let's move on to No. 6, math racing.
Whether it's carbs, golf scores, tax refunds or blood-alcohol content levels, Respectable People seem obsessed with posting healthier numbers than the rest of us.
To be fair, some Slobs are really deaf to mathematics. It can be irritating to sit next to one at a blackjack table who's dealt a Jack and a Queen and then asks for another card. But if Respectable People don't want to live on the gambling-impaired edge, they shouldn't play the $5 tables, should they?
Besides, what Slobs lack in mathematical skill, we make up for with analytical reasoning. If a Slob moves out of his apartment, and loses his checkbook, he doesn't freak out. If it's not in the old place, now completely bare, logic dictates it must be in his new place, safely stowed in a box between a bag of Cheetos and his underwear.
And if it's Friday night and a Slob's ex-girlfriend isn't kissing him, it's safe to assume she's out somewhere systematically kissing every other man on the planet. Air-tight logic, really.
So lay off the number-crunching bravado, Respectable People, unless you think envy is the way to win friends. As Tony Soprano illustrates every week, there's more than one way to keep score.
Next week: Diet dictating.
Curt Brandao is the Star-Bulletin's production editor. Reach him at: cbrandao@starbulletin.com