Moniqu (Cecile De France), left, Phileas Fogg (Steve Coogan) and Passepartout (Jackie Chan) star in a remake of "Around the World in 80 Days."
"Around the World in 80 Days" Rated PG
Playing at Consolidated Aikahi, Kahala, Kapolei, Koolau, Mililani, Pearlridge and Ward; Signature Dole Cannery, Pearl Highlands and Windward
Around the World in 80 Days," based on the classical novel by Jules Verne and the 1956 film starring David Niven, is about 79 days too long with a dumbed-down, meandering plot, melodramatic characters, some racial stereotyping and a visibly aged Jackie Chan martial art-ing his way through several countries.
This so-called remake, which merits the title in name only, may have some audiences -- especially children -- finding themselves laughing at first, then fidgeting as the film drifts toward a predictable climax. Whatever curiosity the title and Chan can muster, odds are this Walt Disney Pictures/Walden Media collaboration won't endure long as the summer's other major films roll off the assembly line.
The new spin is an old story, focusing on Lau Xing (Chan), who steals a valuable jade Buddha from the Bank of London to return it to his village. He seeks refuge in the traveling companionship of an eccentric London inventor and adventurer, Phileas Fogg (Steve Coogan), who has taken on a bet with members of his science club that he can make it around the world in a mere 80 days, using a variety of means of transport, like boats, trains, balloons, elephants, etc. Along the way, Lau Xing -- now renamed Passepartout -- uses his martial arts abilities repeatedly to defend Fogg from dangers. Their path from London and back includes stops in Paris, Turkey, India, China and the United States.
The adventure begins with one-liners, sight gags and allusions to historical figures -- the Wright brothers, Henri de Toulouse-Lautrec, Van Gogh, Cezanne, Gauguin, Monet and the Queen of England -- in cameos by brothers Owen and Luke Wilson, Arnold Schwarzenegger, John Cleese and Kathy Bates, among others.
And, yes, there is a love subplot. The adventurers first travel to France where they meet beautiful artist and femme fatale Monique Degrauve (Cécile De France). Fogg falls in love with the novice impressionist painter. After she helps Fogg and Passepartout escape some government agents, she insists on joining the expedition.
A sequence with Schwarzenegger as a horny Turkish prince is remarkably embarrassing, as well as demeaning to the Turkish culture.
Finally back in his native China, Chan's character teams up with the legendary Wong Fei-Hung and the Ten Tigers of Guangdong for the film's major fight scene a la "Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon" which, after an unbearable 15 minutes, has only caused bruises and muscle sprains.
Chugging across the Atlantic Ocean, Fogg realizes that he won't make it back to London in time, so the group furiously builds Fogg's dreamed-of flying machine, using material found on the steamship.
How did he get the ship's captain to allow this in the first place? The man lost both of his nipples in a shark attack, and Fogg says he knows a London doctor who can replace them. How's that for compelling cinema?
Traveling by air -- with a pedaling Chan to keep the propeller spinning -- the trio arrives in London with a day to spare. Fogg gets the girl and Lau, we're left to believe, returns to China.
"Around the World in 80 Days" trades in sophistication, acting talent and intrigue for pure schlock and pabulum. Who would have thought that going around the world could be so boring?
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