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Alo-Ha! Friday Charles Memminger |
Surf team boosters
over their headsSurfing has been approved by the Board of Education as an official high school sport. A secret BOE source sent me this allegedly authentic announcement to be published soon in school papers:
"Support Your Surfing Team! Now accepting applications for:
» Surfing Cheerleaders. Must be able to hold breath for long periods and spell/yell 'T-H-A-T W-A-S A S-I-C-K R-I-D-E D-U-D-E!' while forming a human pyramid on a long board.
» Surf Team Marching Band. Must be able to walk on water or be willing to learn. Expertise in musical instrument optional.
» Surf Team Physician. Must be able to tell "good" sharks from "bad" sharks, or know how to staunch major artery breach while treading water.
Now the news ...
Grave situation was scary
KENAI, Alaska (AP) » Hazel Felton had one foot in the grave. Literally.Felton was cleaning up around family graves at Kenai Cemetery when her dog Boo Boo's leash became entangled on a wooden cross. When she stepped onto the grave to free the pooch's leash, her leg plunged hip-deep into the grave.
"I just shot outta there like a light," she said. "It creeped me out."
Equally creepy is the fact she was named after the daughter of the man whose grave she fell into.
(Equally creepy is the fact that Boo Boo was named after the man's favorite cartoon bear.)
Cops shoyu they're tough
HONG KONG (AP) » In a city awash with rip-off designer products, some Hong Kongers may now be seasoning their food with the latest fake -- counterfeit soy sauce.Customs officials raided a wholesale business and seized more than 200 bottles of soy sauce falsely labeled as a popular brand. The soy switchers were released on $17.50 bail.
(Comedian Andy Bumatai points out local soy sauce bottles contain the warning "Do Not Fill With Any Other Brand" because "they won't fit.")
Mouse mystery simmers
NEWPORT NEWS, Va. (AP) » A woman who claimed she found a mouse in her soup while celebrating Mother's Day at a Cracker Barrel restaurant with her son actually planted the rodent to extort money from the company.Carla Patterson, 36, claimed she had already eaten some of her vegetable soup when she scooped up the mouse. The claim prompted the 500-store chain to stop serving vegetable soup nationwide but an investigation cleared the company.
"We learned that the mouse died from a fractured skull before it entered the soup," a Cracker Barrel spokesperson said. In addition, the mouse had no soup in its lungs and had not been cooked.
(The TV show "CSI" has bought the rights to the story for an episode entitled "Deadly Condiment: The Mouse that Poured.")
Honolulu Lite on Sunday:
In Sunday's Honolulu Lite we will endeavor to avoid as many tacky clichés and tasteless double entendres as possible while discussing the latest trend in marketing: Emergency Home Delivery of Condoms. And you thought it was degrading being the "pizza dude."Quote me on this:
"It's going to be fun to see how long the meek can keep the earth after they inherit it." -- Kin Hubbard
See the Columnists section for some past articles.
Charles Memminger, winner of National Society
of Newspaper Columnists awards, appears
Tuesdays, Thursdays , Fridays and Sundays.
E-mail cmemminger@starbulletin.com