Linda Luke teaches a class how to make greeting cards using stamp-pad art at the Ben Franklin store in Mapunapuna. Kari Furutani, from left, Sheila Chung and Sherri Agpaoa watch Luke's demonstration.
Personal notes bring human
touch to technological times
Two words: "Thank you." The one-word Hawaiian equivalent: "Mahalo." Simple enough.
Yet with the immediacy of contemporary communication, which allows one to fax, leave voice mail, transmit photos via cellular phone and, of course, send e-mail, the etiquette of sending a handwritten thank-you note has become an almost extinct art form.
Almost.
Of course, one tends to hit bottom before bouncing back. Ironically, devices intended to make communication quick and easy leave us with contact that is intangible and fleeting. We can get our message across but somehow feel less connected; out of touch. As people get older, busier, more technologically savvy, thank-yous are distributed by rote or simply forgotten.
It's no wonder that receiving a handwritten note these days feels like a gift, awakening the spirit of the child within who has stumbled upon a prize in a Cracker Jack box for the very first time.
The "Amy Vanderbilt Complete Book of Etiquette" lauds the written word as "always far more expressive in style and spirit than any telephone call or fax machine message .... they can be read and reread, savored and saved; a perpetual reminder of past generations or relationships and life's significant moments."Keep that in mind if you're in receiving mode for graduation season or a summer wedding.
Vanessa Buyson, director of Susan Page Modeling school, teaches a class that includes the finer points of etiquette. She says, "So many things play a part in sending that thank-you note. You can see their penmanship, the stationery, the stamp they chose. We're all so busy, of course," so when someone takes the time to write "thanks," it makes it all the more meaningful.
"Thank-you cards are precious, especially when they are made by a child," added Buyson, who has a son in preschool. "These are the ones we hold onto and put in our keepsake boxes."
Buyson occasionally uses e-mail for business but not personal notes, and said "nothing is better than opening the mailbox and receiving something someone has picked out."
Stationery stores have sprung up nationwide to address a hunger for the personal touch.
Ava Stottlemyer, owner of Paper Roses at Ward Centre, has seen her business increase steadily since she opened her stationery shop 12 years ago, despite the rise of technology.
"People are still buying cards, not as much writing paper, but card volume sales have increased."
At first, she sold more preprinted cards. "People found it hard to come up with their own sentiments. Now a lot more blank cards are selling," she said, adding, "They're finding the time to select and express their own thoughts."
Buyson agrees that many people do not send thank-you notes because they simply don't know what to say. "But the whole idea is to just to be yourself, write what you're thinking," she said.
Others don't know when it's appropriate to send a written note. "When you don't get a chance to thank someone face-to-face, a note is in order. Of course, both would be nice," she said. "There is never a time that would be wrong to send a thank-you card, as long as the thanks is sincere."
Sheila Chung, craft co-ordinator at Ben Franklin Craft in Mapunapuna, holds notecards Linda Luke's students were learning to make. Stamp-art classes are held 5:30 to 7:30 p.m. the last Friday of each month. The class fee is $5.
IN ADDITION TO the act of performing a social grace, a thank-you note serves as a form of acknowledgment. Sometimes it gnaws at a person to wonder whether an item was received."If I don't hear from someone (after giving a gift), I wonder whether they've gotten it, or if it got lost," Buyson said. To inquire would be a faux pas of fishing for thanks.
Even business trade schools such as Heald College, where it seems shooting off an e-mail would be acceptable, students are taught and encouraged to compose handwritten thank-you notes.
Dawn Kim, director's assistant, said that although the trend is to send e-mail correspondence, in some cases the school encourages sending e-mail and following up with a handwritten note. "Some have to communicate while traveling or don't have a home office," she said, so in those cases, a rapid e-mail thanks might be followed by a handwritten note later.
Merrill Cutting, director of academic affairs for the business college, said, "Young students seem to understand the importance of thank-you notes and come to Heald with some knowledge" of that. She's received several written thank-you notes from local high school students upon receiving the more than $100,000 in scholarships the college awards yearly.
IT TAKES TIME to write thank-you notes, and it also takes life experience to fully understand what it means to be truly grateful.An 8-year-old beams uncontrollably when he opens a birthday toy from Aunty, but forces a strained grin upon opening one from Grandma containing socks. With age comes the insight in realizing that Grandma, now older, still manages to make that trip to the mall for a purchase you'd all but begrudgingly make for yourself. (When those penny-pinching college years roll around, a gift of new socks from her may come in handy.) So the lesson of expressing thanks needs to be instilled across the board early on.
Paper Roses sells pre-worded cards that allows children to simply fill in the blanks. "It makes it easy for parents who want to teach their children to send a thank-you note," said Stottlemyer. There are three blanks: "Dear ------, thank you for the ------," and a blank where the child signs his or her name.
Teaching a child to acknowledge a kindness can be as simple as returning the favor with a doodle, which is the method Linda Luke of Ben Franklin Crafts uses with her daughter, as a lighthearted expression of thanks. "Usually, I'll have her scribble something in a card. She can't write yet, but people know it's her."
Luke, who conducts a stamp-art class at the store, said making cards is economical. "People will spend $2 or more for a (pre-printed) card. But if you make your cards, it costs a little bit more in the beginning to get all the supplies; once all that is secured, you can make all your cards at a minimal cost."
In addition to putting one's creativity to work, there is a social aspect to crafting in groups. "There's a core group that comes, we talk and share things we've learned from elsewhere," Luke said.
THOSE WHO DON'T trust their artistic abilities, will find handcrafted, blank cards at Paper Roses that Stottlemyer said are presents in themselves, such as ones made by Shino which use sea shells and rafia for hula motifs. "They're special and pretty; almost like a gift."But even a simple "Mahalo" written in script on the cover of plain notecards, with a handwritten sentence or two inside is a gesture that goes beyond simply signing your name to a preprinted card.
Buyson, who also teaches the art of pressed paper in Manoa, said children learn social lessons from watching their parents. "If they see parents working on a craft to make a card or taking time to pick out a card and write thank-you notes, that's what they're used to" and they're more likely to pick up the habit.
As adults we learn that sharing your appreciation is a gift in return, one that may reap more rewards.
"Keep in mind chances are when you say thank you and send a card, it goes a long way," said Buyson. "It lets the person know you're grateful and they're likely to keep you in mind for the next time."
"Mahalo" notecards by Paper Roses, $1.50 each or $19.95 for a set of 20.
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Much obliged or not?
When are thank-you notes obligatory or optional? Here's a list from "Emily Post on Etiquette," by her great granddaughter-in-law, Elizabeth Post:For a dinner party: Obligatory only if you are the guest of honor; otherwise always appreciated but not necessary if you have thanked your hostess when leaving.
Overnight visits: Always, except in the case of close friends or relative you see frequently. Then, a telephone call would serve the purpose.
Birthday, anniversary, Christmas and other gifts: Always, when you have not thanked the donor in person. Here again, a phone call to a very close friend or relative is sufficient. Optional: It is never wrong to send a note in addition to your verbal thanks.
Shower gifts: If the donor was not at the shower or you did not extend verbal thanks. Optional: Many women like to add a written note to their verbal thanks, but it is not necessary.
Gifts to a sick person: Notes to out-of-towners and calls or notes to close friends are obligatory as soon as the patient feels well enough.
For notes of condolence: Thank-yous should be sent for all notes of condolence, except for printed cards with no personal message.
For congratulatory cards or gifts: All personal messages must be acknowledged. Optional: Form letters from firms need not be acknowledged.
Wedding gifts: Obligatory, even though verbal thanks have been given. All wedding gifts must be acknowledged within three months, but preferably as the gifts arrive.
When a hostess receives a gift after visitors have left: Even though the gift is a thank-you itself, the hostess must thank her visitors, especially if the gift has arrived by mail, so that the visitor will know it has been received.
When a client is entertained by a sales representative: Optional. Even though the entertainment is charged to the sales rep's company, it would not be remiss to send a note. It is not necessary but might help to ensure a good relationship.
When friends bring gifts to the hospital for a newborn: If warm thanks are given at the time you need not then write a note. However, when gifts are sent, a note -- or phone call to close friends -- is in order. The note may be written on an informal or on a thank-you card with a personal message. It should be signed with the mother's name, not the baby's.
Etiquette for young ones
You can never be too young to learn good manners and etiquette. Children have an excuse for lack of table manners, but some of them grow up to be adults without a clue. Have you ever been embarrassed by your date's caveman approach at the company dinner table.Polish 'em while they're young we say, and the Lisa Rose Doll House & Tea Room does the dirty work for you.
Lisa Rose is offering a summer etiquette session for boys and girls, recommended for ages 6 to 12. Hands-on classes will include basic topics such as making a good first impression, correct introductions and titles to use, proper table manners, and more.
Relevant topics for today's kids also include making friends, party etiquette, sleepovers and grooming and hygiene. Sessions will conclude with a Lisa Rose tea party which allows the children to practice their social graces. Tea, anyone?
Two-day classes run 9 to 11:30 a.m. June 24 and 25, July 8 and 9 or 13 and 14, and 8:30 to 11 a.m. July 17 and 24. The fee is $99.
Call 528-4552 or visit www.LisaRoseHawaii.com detailed information.
Tips for thank-you cards
Vanessa Buyson, who has been an instructor at Susan Page Modeling school for 11 years and teaches a class that includes social graces and etiquette, offers the following suggestions for writing thank-you notes:>> It's not so much what the card looks like. The thoughts you share in the card are what count. Pre-printed cards are acceptable. However, don't just sign your name. Take the time to write a personal message. Be sincere, brief and to the point, and include a short sentence about the gift, e.g., "Dear Aunt Sue, thank you so much for the perfume. Lavender never smelled so good."
>> For birthday parties, showers and Christmas, designate someone to take notes as each gift is opened, noting the gift and sender. It makes writing thank-you notes less of a chore when there is a list to follow.
>> Take snapshots of yourself with the gift to include in the card. For children at Christmastime, surround them with their presents, take the picture and have several copies made of that one shot to insert in the cards.
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