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The Goddess Speaks Erika Padilla |
Loneliness put
on hold by FWBIf you're like me, you probably have different circles of friends. You have the friends that you call if you want to party, friends who you call when you need to re-hash the gory details of your last date, and then there are those special friends you call when you are ... ahem ... lonely.
These friends are better known as Friends With Benefits or FWB because these friends of the opposite sex can provide benefits usually only available when friendship blossoms into love and turns into sexual intimacy.
I have been told by well-meaning friends that FWB encounters are wrong because the line between friendship and relationship become blurred. Women I know have suggested that it is an idea concocted by men to satisfy their own needs while exploiting women.
I disagree. It's been my experience that there are times when starting a new relationship and all that comes with it is just too time- and energy-consuming. A boyfriend-girlfriend relationship means all kinds of changes in my schedule and lifestyle. Sometimes it's just simpler to fall into the arms of someone "safe," who knows me and who won't complicate things by way of romantic notions and expectations.
By way of example, I once knew a man I'll call Shane. We were, by all definitions, friends. We would go out with a small circle of friends, usually to the movies, or we would all go clubbing together, or study together, and from time to time we were FWB.
I initiated our first night together and laid out the ground rules so that there would be no misunderstandings on his side or mine. As far as I know, none of our other friends suspected that we shared these benefits, as Shane and I agreed that discretion was rule No. 1. I think that the most difficult aspect of our relationship was, in fact, being discreet. We joked that we were so good at not rousing our friends' suspicions that we could go work for the CIA as spies.
We had a FWB relationship for many months. When I felt that we had gone as far as we could go with such a limited relationship, I called Shane one day and told him that because we both knew we wouldn't be compatible in a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship for many reasons that I won't go into, that it was time to end our benefit sharing and simply remain friends. I am still in contact with Shane to this day and we remain friends with fond memories of the special times we spent together.
HAVING SPENT time with Shane made me realize what I wanted and did not want in a relationship. I became conscious of what qualities I was looking for in a man, sexually and otherwise.
In retrospect, I think we experimented with love in a way that was emotionally safe. Did our experience harm our chances for having a conventional and stable relationship later on in life? Shane went on to get married and has 2.5 kids; I got married and had three of my own. I don't know what he would say, but I guess you can say Shane was, for me, a phase that I went through in order to find my way to true love.
I am not by any means saying that having a FWB is the way to go for everyone, nor am I encouraging any of my gal pals to run out and start having sex with their male friends, but for those who are OK with the FWB scenario, it is a good way to give and receive affection and intimacy without being weighed down by commitment.
Erika Padilla is a Honolulu resident.
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