|
Honolulu Lite Charles Memminger |
Tears, talent and
teen boys will make
Jasmine IdolHawaii's Jasmine Trias is going to win "American Idol." You heard it here first, folks. Why? Lots of reasons.
First of all, judge Simon Cowell made her cry. That was good for several hundred thousand call-in votes. If he makes her cry again, it will be a landslide. There are a lot of 12- and 13-year-old boys across the country who are in love with Jasmine. To them she's a sweet, exotic, gorgeous island girl of their dreams. Girls like that are thin on the ground in Toledo. These pimply-faced, love-struck beta males are just looking to take down the nasty, offensive alpha male Cowell and defend their princess. And they are willing to bankrupt their parents with massive AT&T text-messaging charges to do it. So every time Cowell dumps on Jasmine, tells her she doesn't belong in the competition and mistakenly announces that her fate depends on Hawaii voters, she'll get a million more votes.
The other reason she's going to win is because she's the underdog, and America loves the underdog. If there's one thing "America Idol" has proved, it's that whenever one competitor gets too cocky and self-assured, he or she is out.
Most of the people voting are between the ages of 10 and 21. The psychology at work here is this: Don't tell us who to vote for. Judges Paula Abdul, Cowell and Randy Jackson are basically Mom, Dad and Dad bossing the kids around. On Tuesday night, Mom, Dad and Dad (it's a dysfunctional family) basically told the kids: "Vote for La Toya London and Fantasia Barrino. And clean your rooms."
The kids said, "Whatever," ran to their rooms and started dialing like maniacs for Jasmine and scary blond contestant Diana DeGarmo. And like all parents, Cowell et al. were disappointed when they found out what the children had been up to. Jackson wanted to give every kid in America under 21 a timeout.
The audience booed when La Toya was booted off the show. That almost made Jasmine cry again. Jasmine had the stage presence to save her tears until next week when they'll really count.
A FRIEND of mine predicted before Tuesday's show that either La Toya or Fantasia would be kicked off that night. "They are going to split their constituency," he said. Now we have to be careful here because a lot of people already are screaming racism in La Toya's downfall.
That's not it. Yes, La Toya and Fantasia are black. But they basically perform in the same style, a strong urban, worldly up-from-the-streets style that is different from DeGarmo's psycho-Barbie-I-was-a-child-beauty-contestant-and-
I'm-going-to-win-this-competition-if-I-have-to-kill-somebody style and Jasmine's naive girl-next-island, flower-in-the-(I'm available)-ear style.So there were basically three voting constituencies at play, and La Toya and Fantasia split theirs, sort of like what's going to happen with Ralph Nader and John Kerry in the presidential election. (If you are still offended by this analysis, send me an e-mail, and I will put you in touch with my insensitive buddy who came up with the "constituency theory" so you can assail him directly.)
In any case, it's now a three-way race, and Jasmine is going to sneak through as the winner -- not because democracy is fair, but because in this weary world, a lovely smile, glorious tan and a flower behind the ear go a long way.
See the Columnists section for some past articles.
Charles Memminger, winner of National Society of Newspaper Columnists awards, appears Tuesdays, Thursdays and Sundays. E-mail cmemminger@starbulletin.com