|
Digital Slob Curt Brandao |
Value of sleep is not
lost on a grateful slob
This week, we continue with Part Three of "10 Stupid Things Respectable People Do to Mess Up the World."No. 8) Sleep debting: To the detriment of us all, to-do list addicted Respectable People have forsaken Mother Nature's time-honored curfews.
Instead, they embrace the Digital Age's insidious, often subliminal, 24-hour work cycle (have you tried to find the "Off" switch on any new piece of technology lately?). In many 21st century offices, you can't even turn out the lights without providing a confirmation code.
Ask Respectable People how much sleep they need each night, and they'll shave the actual amount by at least a third, using a shifty-eyed bravado they usually reserve for lying about how much they can bench at the gym.
Ask Slobs how much sleep we need, on the other hand, and you'll probably have to wake us up to do it.
It's true most Slobs are far from being naturalists (my last rendezvous with the great outdoors was an emergency road-trip potty break between El Paso and Dallas). Still, we remain devout to our caveman biorhythms, even if our cave is wired to order pizza at 4 a.m. from digital cable Channel 999.
Slobs listen to our bodies. When we feel like sleeping, we sleep. When we feel like eating, we eat. When we feel like exercising, we wait for it to pass and then either sleep or eat.
Respectable People, however, flunk this test completely. Their spirits are so battered from years of self-inflicted sleep debt, they can't even make payments on the principle when times are good. We're talking about people who set alarm clocks when they're on vacation.
My sister, GiGi, a Respectable Person unable to find her own "shut down" quick key, is a chronically conked-out case study.
If sleep debt was tracked like other kinds of debt, the Sandman's goodfellas would have busted my deadbeat sister's kneecaps years ago.
She's so deep in the red-eyed red, she can't even keep up with her soap operas. She saves them automatically on these beasts-of-burden VCR tapes that have been reused so much it looks like Susan Lucci is overacting from deep space.
GiGi works so hard to make ends meet (and to make sure her Pomeranian's bowl runneth over with Science Diet), she can't sit still without passing out. Once home, she gets only minutes into her recorded programs before R.E.M. sleep mangles their plot lines beyond all recognition -- 10 minutes forward, 6 hours back -- for 25 years. You do the math.
Next week, she'll finally find out who shot JR.
This may seem like harmless haggardness, but it's not. Bleary-eyed Respectable People often become the kind of irritable middle managers who'll put a well-rested Slob drone on 30-day probation for cleaning his ears with a paper clip.
So put down the day planner that lets you divide an entire year into 131,400 15-minute tasks, and hit the sheets, Respectable People.
Working endlessly to make sure Junior has a better life than you may seem noble, but get a grip. If he's got an Xbox, he's already got a better childhood than everyone over 30.
Just make sure that when he starts to yawn while clutching the video game controller, you switch off your home's circuit breakers, if need be, to make sure you both call it a night.
Next week: Cellular gaffing.
Curt Brandao is the Star-Bulletin's production editor. Reach him at: cbrandao@starbulletin.com