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Honolulu Lite Charles Memminger |
Offering ‘Lite’ advice
to weary readersOne of the little-known aspects of "Honolulu Lite" is the personal advice service provided to loyal readers who have come to depend on this column to help them make their way through a confusing and hostile world. Most of the correspondence is kept confidential for obvious reasons.
But today I'm going to share some of the many questions put to "Honolulu Lite" by needy readers because if one person is having a certain problem, it's likely that others are, too. To spare those seeking help from being humiliated, we will publish only their first name, the initial of their last name and the place they live. That way, we don't embarrass "Jaimie M. in Wahiawa," who is suffering from an embarrassing personal hygiene problem, but spread the humiliation out to thousands of Wahiawa families whose last name begins with "M."
>> My girlfriend has been acting weird lately. She comes home at daybreak reeking of alcohol and tobacco and carrying her undergarments in her purse. When I question her about it, she says she's "sitting up with a sick auntie" and tells me to mind my own business. My question is, when making Veal with Camembert Sauce, do you add the crème fraîche before or after bringing the veal stock and camembert to a boil? -- Frank Z. from Hana
Answer: Always add the crème fraîche AFTER you've brought the veal-cheese sauce to a boil, you dumb jerk.
>> A friend of mine likes to ask riddles. I hate riddles. But he won't shut up until you give him at least one guess at the answer. No matter what the riddle is, my answer is always "your mother," you know, just to get him to shut the hell up. What do you say to people who ask annoying questions? -- Phil R. from Honolulu
Answer: Your mother.
>> Over a few beers, my friends and I were arguing over the correct pronunciation of a certain German philosopher's name. Oh wise one, what is the correct way of pronouncing Friedrich Nietzsche? -- Julie W. from Kailua
Answer: The way it's spelled.
>> I've heard that you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink. Why not? -- Keanu C. from Kalihi
Answer: The Third Basic Law of Equine-Aquatic Dynamics, whose reciprocal precept is you can lead a glass of water to a horse but you can't get it to balance properly on the saddle, at least, not for very long.
>> I've heard it said that "laughter's the best medicine." What's second? -- Wilma F. from Bedrock
Answer: Tequila.
>> Mitochondrial DNA seems to prove that the first woman came from Africa 150,000 years ago. Turns out, the first dog also came from there about the same time. Question: Was that her dog? -- Jim J. in Ewa
Answer: No. He was just passing through. She did, however, own the first horse. But it died because she'd led it to water and, you know, it wouldn't drink. So she ate it. The dog saw that and moved to France where it intentionally evolved into the least appetizing animal possible, a poodle.
See the Columnists section for some past articles.
Charles Memminger, winner of National Society of Newspaper Columnists awards, appears Tuesdays, Thursdays and Sundays. E-mail cmemminger@starbulletin.com