Sidelines Kalani Simpson

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Take me out to
the DVD store

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TO prepare for Opening Day, a few midsummer classics:

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» "I got a Harley Davidson. Does that turn you on? Harley Davidson?"

-- Jackie Earle Haley in "The Bad News Bears."

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» Umpire: "OK, let's go over the ground rules. You can't leave first until you chug a beer. Any man scoring has to chug a beer. You have to chug a beer at the top of all odd-numbered innings. Oh, and the fourth inning is the beer inning."

Chief Wiggum (in baseball uniform): "Hey, we know how to play softball!"

-- "The Simpsons," Homer at the Bat.

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» Ray Kinsella: "So what do you want?"

Terence Mann: "I want them to stop looking to me for answers, begging me to speak again, write again, be a leader. I want them to start thinking for themselves. I want my privacy!"

Ray Kinsella: "No, I mean, what do you WANT? "

(Gestures to the concession stand they're in front of.)

Terence Mann: "Oh. Dog and a beer."

-- Kevin Costner and James Earl Jones in "Field of Dreams."

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» Peppermint Patty: " 'Kids' Day at the ballpark. And each kid is to receive a souvenir baseball cap.' That's it, Marcie! That's how we'll get the caps for our team. ... I'm going in and out of that gate until I get nine baseball caps."

Marcie: "I bet they'll let you play on the prison ball team, Sir."

-- "A Charlie Brown Celebration."

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» "I look like a banker in this."

-- Charlie Sheen in "Major League."

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» Bat boy: "Get a hit, Crash."

Crash Davis: "Shut up."

-- Tobi Eshelman and Kevin Costner in "Bull Durham."

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"I still get such a bang out of it. ... When the bat meets that ball and you can feel that ball just give. And you know it's going to go a long way. Damn, if you don't feel like you're going to live forever."

-- John Cusack in "Eight Men Out."

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» Mr. Harvey: "You kind of let me down on that San Antonio job."

Jimmy Dugan: "I, uh, yeh, I, uh ... I freely admit, sir, I had no right to ... sell off the team's equipment like that."

-- Garry Marshall and Tom Hanks in "A League of Their Own."

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» Jack Eliot: "I'm a World Series MVP!"

Skip: "That was four years ago, Jack. Last season, you hit .235."

Jack Eliot: "LAST SEASON, I led this team in ninth-inning doubles in the month of August!"

-- Tom Selleck and Art Lafleur in "Mr. Baseball."

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» "Keith Hernandez?" (Later) "I despise him!"

-- Wayne Knight in "Seinfeld," The Boyfriend, Part 1.

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» Toby: "Tanner got into a fight because of it."

Buttermaker: "Who with?"

Engelberg: "The seventh grade."

Buttermaker: "What?"

Engelberg: "THE SEVENTH GRADE."

Buttermaker: "Do you want to quit, Tanner?"

Tanner: "Crud no, I wanna play ball."

-- David Stambaugh, Walter Matthau, Gary Lee Cavagnaro and Chris Barnes in "The Bad News Bears."

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See the Columnists section for some past articles.

Kalani Simpson can be reached at ksimpson@starbulletin.com