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Alo-Ha! Friday Charles Memminger |
What’s Latin for
‘you big dummy’?The April Fool's joke was on me. Yesterday's Honolulu Lite spoof suggesting that an international organization of virgins has been formed to appease terrorists who are willing to die just to be awarded 72 virgins in paradise had an inexcusable error. I referred to the virgins' mode of operation as "motis operandi" when of course I meant "modus operandi." How could my three weeks of Latin at Cloverdale Junior High School in Alabama fail me? Thanks to the reader who gently pointed out that I am a moron.
Now the news:
Der-went da house
LONDON (AP) » When Paul Derwent and his wife Janet cut down 25 feet of laurel hedge on the boundary of their property, they set off a legal dispute that looks likely to cost them their home.The Derwents' neighbor, a lawyer, sued them for removing the hedge because it actually belonged to him.
The case got all the way to an appeals court where three judges ruled against the Derwents. The Derwents will have to sell their home to pay the $630,000 legal bill.
(It's called having to pay "prunitive" damages.)
Monkey goes ape on TV
HONG KONG (AP) » A Hong Kong woman is suing the government because conservation officers chased a stray monkey into her home, where it went on a rampage and destroyed an expensive flat-screen TV.Cai Ai-lan said the officials spooked the monkey with a net while trying to catch it, causing it to go berserk. Because of the wild monkeys that tend to roam in that area, Ai-lan has replaced her flat-screen TV with a bulkier conventional model that can't be turned over.
Conservation officials claim the monkey went into the apartment on it own.
(And became enraged at the lack of High Definition programming available, as is natural.)
No monkey play here
PHILADELPHIA (AP) » Two gorillas are breaking up because in five years in the zoo they have yet to have off-spring or even mate.There were high hopes for the male, Chaka, dubbed a "stud muffin" when he was moved to Philadelphia after siring eight babies at the Cincinnati Zoo. But officials concede that Chaka and Demba just didn't click and Chaka will be transported to another habitat.
(In his own defense, Chaka told reporters, "I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, but look at her. She ain't the prettiest gorilla in the mist. I don't think even a koala would mate with that primate.")
Honolulu Lite on Sunday:
A new study suggests that when people pick a pure-bred dog, they tend to pick one that resembles them. That must mean poi dog owners pick dogs that resemble how they feel.
Quote me on this (Dept. of Celebrity Intelligencia):
"I was asked to come to Chicago because Chicago is one of our 52 states." -- Raquel Welch"Fiction writing is great. You can make up almost anything." -- Ivana Trump, author
"I'm so naive about finances. Once when my mother mentioned an amount and I realized I didn't understand, she had to explain: 'That's like three Mercedes.' Then I understood." -- Brooke Shields
See the Columnists section for some past articles.
Charles Memminger, winner of National Society
of Newspaper Columnists awards, appears
Tuesdays, Thursdays , Fridays and Sundays.
E-mail cmemminger@starbulletin.com