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Honolulu Lite Charles Memminger |
Some products are
perfectly pointlessA few random thoughts on some completely pointless subjects that have been littering my desk and cranial cavity recently ...
Two television commercials are pushing the edge of the envelope regarding the pushing of some ridiculously unnecessary items.
The first is a large plastic bellows affair whose only job is to shell hard-boiled eggs. Apparently, shelling an egg by hand is too daunting a task for some people, taking as it does nearly an entire minute of physical effort and necessitating the dexterity of a moderately coordinated raccoon.
The Eggstractor will shell an egg in just one second, which would come in handy if you were in the egg-shelling business. But really, how often to you shell a single egg, let alone three dozen? Even at Easter my family seems to muddle through the dangerous and repetitive task of egg shelling with few injuries. If you buy the Eggstractor for $19.99, you actually get an extra one for free. With TWO Eggstractors you can shell and eat your way into a pretty little cholesterol-induced heart attack in no time. What a deal!
The second product is Nature's Tears Eye Mist, which is an eye moisturizer. But unlike products like Visine, you don't put drops in your eyes, you spray a mist directly on your open eyeballs. Spraying something directly into your eye on purpose is a talent I've yet to develop. But the really silly thing about Nature's Tears Eye Mist is its claim that it is all natural, containing no preservatives, 100 percent pure water.
That's right. It's water. In a little spray bottle. For $13.95. Here's a little money-saving tip: If your eyeballs dry out, splash some water in your face from the nearest sink. I call it Nature's Handful of Water in Your Face. Send me $13.95 if you need specific instructions.
SPEAKING OF other pointless bottles of water -- and I know this is going to get me in trouble -- why do some homeowners continue to place large plastic water bottles in their yards? I passed a house the other day that had seven plastic gallon bottles of water on a little strip of grass along the road.
I know that theoretically the bottles are supposed to keep dogs and cats from urinating on your property and killing your grass, but come on, folks! What looks worse, a few brown spots or a line of ugly plastic bottles? Besides, it really doesn't work. The "unprotected" grass strips of the adjacent yards aren't mottled brown by rampant urinating critters. Now, let the angry letters, calls and e-mails begin.
Finally, two column-related notes. I just discovered that my e-mail address at the bottom of "Honolulu Lite" online is incorrect. So anyone sending me notes has been getting them bounced back. Editors say the problem is now solved.
Two, don't forget to attend the finals of Bo Irvine's "Comedy Crackup" competition at the All Star Hawaii cafe in Waikiki at 8 p.m. on April Fools Day, Thursday. Rumor has it I will be one of the judges.
See the Columnists section for some past articles.
Charles Memminger, winner of National Society of Newspaper Columnists awards, appears Tuesdays, Thursdays and Sundays. E-mail cmemminger@starbulletin.com
