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Honolulu Lite Charles Memminger |
Coming down with
computer blues, literallyMy Apple is blue. My PC is acting very non-PC. In fact, it's having hot flashes. My laser printer is seeing dots or at least printing them. It's weird how your electronic devices suddenly begin to conspire against you.
The newspaper provides me with an iMac to work from home. It was a nifty little machine until it got fried with a few thousand volts during a windstorm. Electricity surged through the power cord into the back of the machine, turning it a nasty-looking brown. (The cord, not the computer.) A so-called "surge protector" apparently acted more like a "surge facilitator."
So the iMac was sent to the Infirmary for Battered, Abused and Electrocuted Appliances, and I spent the next few weeks abusing my own computer in the line of duty. It couldn't stand the strain of professional columnizing and took to heating up to where you could cook an egg on it. After a few breakfasts of computer-fried bacon and eggs, I determined that the problem was that the internal fan had a seizure. In a scene right out of the TV show "ER," I yelled, "Code Blue!" (or whatever they yell on "ER" when patients fall over from the vapors) and started fanning my poor PC with an old copy of Field & Columnist magazine.
It was no good. The patient was flat-lining. I raced to Longs and bought a fan capable of shooting a hurricanelike gush of air. I raced home, tore the metal case off of the victim, exposing all the yucky wiry insides and began fan-to-motherboard resuscitation. Slowly, the machine's fever dropped, and my CDs stopped melting like Dali watches.
WITH MY MAC'S condition stabilized, I searched the Internet for a donor fan to be used in a transplant operation, but to no avail. I would have to keep the poor processor on Longs life support until a new computer could be procured. It's sad to watch a modern computer bravely hobble on, using old-fashioned electric fan technology as a crutch. It's kind of like seeing a Porsche pulled by a donkey. The question is whether the new computer will get here in time for a complete data rescue before the old computer sinks with all information aboard.
In the meantime, the printer, apparently suffering from a rare case of Munchausen Laser by Proxy and seeking attention, began printing a tiny dot every 3 inches, just noticeable enough to make each page completely unusable. Exploratory surgery revealed that a printer drum replacement was indicated. The new drum would cost nearly $200, while a new printer would cost $250 or so. Munchausen's or not, the old printer's headed for Byte Hill.
The iMac returned home, or, I should say AN iMac returned home. My iMac's innards had been put into another iMac's body. It is almost exactly like my original iMac, except it seems vaguely forlorn and everything on screen has a blue tint. It's like the computer equivalent of a Stepford Wife. Ain't technology great?
See the Columnists section for some past articles.
Charles Memminger, winner of National Society of Newspaper Columnists awards, appears Tuesdays, Thursdays and Sundays. E-mail cmemminger@starbulletin.com