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The Goddess Speaks By Kathryn Kam |
Goddess does not feel
she must give birth
to have kidsThis year, I will be 30 years old. Unlike some others who are crying over their lost 20s, I am eager to start the next decade of my life. To me, 30 is the perfect age. I'll still be young by most standards, I've learned from horrid mistakes of my 20s and others older than myself will finally start taking me seriously. There's only one thing that's been bothering me.
I cannot stand it when people who want to have or already have children tell me, "You better hurry up and have kids before you get too old."
Not that it's necessary to have a husband in order to become a mother these days, but I would like to get married before I start a family. And just because I'm turning 30 doesn't mean my long-term significant other and I plan to rush down the aisle or to start a family right away. Besides, did it ever dawn on anyone that I might not want to have kids?
Yes, I said I want to have a family. But I never said I wanted to bear my own children. The thought of adopting a child, even if I am able to conceive, didn't enter my mind until recent years, but as I get older, I don't see any reason why I should resort to adoption only if I can't have children of my own.
This idea has been dismissed by most pro-childbearing people I've talked to. If only I could count the number of people who have told me, "Ah, you'll change your mind."
I find it ridiculous that some people have told me that you can't love an adopted child as much as you'd love children with your blood. I'm sure many adoptive parents will tell you the same. Just because you're biologically linked to your child does not ensure a lifelong, loving parent-child relationship. And the converse is just as true: Just because you aren't biologically related to your child doesn't mean your relationship won't be any less fulfilling.
I WILL NEVER understand the self-absorbed notion that all people must procreate in order to make their lives worthwhile. I dare anyone to tell someone like Oprah Winfrey that her life is incomplete because she isn't a mother. It's not like I go around telling people who want to have children, "Ah, you'll change your mind." Or maybe I should.
One of my best friends has been married for two years. From the moment she and her husband started dating eight years ago, they have never wavered in their decision to not have children. And people still don't take them seriously! Someone actually asked them, "When are you two going to stop being so selfish and have kids?"
Truth be told, I'm only 90 percent sure I don't want to have children of my own, but I'd appreciate a little respect in my decision to contemplate it because there are many reasons for it: I'm getting a late start in my career and want some stability in that area before having to care for a child. I want to be married first, so I can at least spend a few quiet years with my husband before the kids encompass the majority of our lives. I don't want to be pregnant, because I've seen and heard my friends go through it and it is completely unappealing to me (and yes, I've heard the "it will all be worth it in the end" rationalization). And quite frankly, I have absolutely no yearning to create a life that will grow inside of me.
But part of me still wonders if I'll remember all the reasons when I decide to spend the rest of my life with a man.
Kathryn Kam is a tortured third-year law student at the University of Hawaii Richardson School of Law, eagerly anticipating her graduation this spring.
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