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Digital Slob Curt Brandao |
In the future, life will
be on a 5-minute delayIt's been almost a year since I hitched a ride in my buddy's time machine to visit the 2018 Consumer Electronics Expo.
Actually, after my first two trips, I was freaked out by some growths forming around my hips, and I wanted an all-clear from my doctor before shooting my body through the space-time continuum yet again.
The good news: I've got no quantum-leap generated tumors. They're just love handles -- love handles from fast-food saturated fats that are poisonous and potentially life-threatening, but, my doctor assures me, are at least following the traditional laws of applied physics.
Whew, that's a load off ... well, still on, but off as well. Anyway, after re-calibrating for my heft, we took our third trip into the future. Here are more products you can look forward to:
Virtual Borders. Overpopulation has priced every brick-and-mortar bookstore out of the real estate market. But even if someone still had a lease, they'd have no books to sell -- years ago Amazon.com single-handedly wiped out the actual Amazon, clearcutting for Dr. Phil's anthology alone.
But strap on this high-tech helmet and plug it into a powerful CPU and you can wander around computer-simulated shelves and realistically pretend to be literate just like in the good old days.
This full-featured application lets you do all the things you used to love -- lurk around the New Age section until everyone leaves so you can indulge your clandestine astrology addiction; go to the cafe and drop down a third of your weekly salary for a latte and a brownie with pecan sprinkles; try to sneak the softcover edition of the Kama Sutra past the "book detector" outside the restroom.
Virtual Borders simulates the old-timey, monopolistic, soulless, corporate, retail book experience in every sentimental detail (note: Books are only readable in the Pro version).
Preemptive Inputs Inc. Millions saw Janet Jackson disrobe during the 2004 Superbowl. But where most saw a nipple shield, entrepreneur-to-be Oswald Oglevue saw an opportunity.
An impressionable tyke himself at the time, Oglevue knew what all parents now know -- a child's perception of the real world is too precious to be left for reality to shape.
So, he created Preemptive Inputs, electronic filters that are surgically implanted into optic nerves and eardrums, effectively putting a child's entire world on a time delay. Just push a button on the top of their head, and their memory resets minus the offensive truth witnessed. The default setting is five minutes, but can be adjusted for longer periods (eg: a trip to Mardis Gras, or even an entire stint with a poorly chosen second stepparent).
"Alive Eye for the Zombie Guy" Special Edition DVD. When a passing comet in 2013 unleashed a virus that turned everyone with AB negative blood into the walking undead, it left them with no pulse, no functioning frontal lobes, no pain threshold and -- worst of all -- no sense of style.
From the Bravo Network comes an interactive DVD dedicated to giving the eternally damned something to look forward to. Learn to strategically reposition shoulder pads to draw attention away from falling limbs, and how to mix fabrics and textures to accentuate the side of your torso that still has some flesh clinging to the bone.
Just because you only crave human brains doesn't mean you can't dress up and go to The Oak Room at The Plaza to get some.
After all, you are who you eat.
Curt Brandao is the Star-Bulletin's production editor. Reach him at: cbrandao@starbulletin.com