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Honolulu Lite Charles Memminger |
‘Lords of land’ must stop
discriminating waysIn their continuing bid to create the wordiest piece of legislation ever written, Hawaii lawmakers are considering adding "sexual orientation" to the list of classifications of people whom landlords cannot discriminate against in the sale or rental of property, a list that already includes, I believe, race, gender, religion, marital status, age, disability, HIV status, SUV status, pimples, hair color, IQ, smell, left-handedness, vegetarianism, carnivorousness, height, weight, singing ability, head size, shoe size, belly-button type (innie or outtie), similarity to the original Village People, post-traumatic snoring syndrome or belief in a "supreme rodent."
You probably didn't realize it, but landlords are the lowest scum on the earth, constantly out to deprive citizens of their right to shelter and doing things like tying Nell to the railroad tracks. Landlords live for the day when they can turn away poor souls seeking to rent that spare bedroom or garage closet. Just their title, "landlord," causes small waifs to break into tears. These evil people are not just landowners or property trustees, they are LORDS! And they are LORDS over LAND!
The inclination to abuse fellow humans with the vast power that comes from being lord of land is so strong that entire legal books are filled with housing laws to hold the wicked housing barons in check.
In the old days, the days when Snidely Whiplash made tricking old ladies out of their mortgages into an art form, a landowner could decide whom he wanted to sell or rent his property to. He would deny you a roof over your head merely because you weren't his favorite color, parted your hair on the wrong side or said "to-mah-toh" instead of "to-may-toh." He thought he could do this simply because he owned the property.
We have fixed all that now. Or almost fixed it. We've made it so it's against the law for him to turn down certain classes of people. It began as a short list that has grown, mainly because we keep discovering more people whom landlords are discriminating against. The trouble is, the more types of people we include on the list, the more we leave out. Legislators hope that by adding "sexual orientation" to the list, their task finally will be done. It won't. I'll bet there are dastardly landlords out there who refuse to rent to people who don't bathe. They are violating a person's constitutional right to stink. I could think of a lot more rights if I had to.
Here's how to solve the problem: Landlords must rent or sell property to anyone except cigarette smokers and pet owners. Why cigarette smokers and pet owners have become the only groups of people it's all right to discriminate against, I don't know. You'd think ACLU office lobbies around the country would be full of people with poodles in their laps smoking cigarettes. (The people, not the poodles.)
But that's their problem. Another tree should not die to provide paper so that more categories of people can be added to housing discrimination lists. Landlords should realize that they are now lords in name only. Their land belongs to us.
See the Columnists section for some past articles.
Charles Memminger, winner of National Society of Newspaper Columnists awards, appears Tuesdays, Thursdays and Sundays. E-mail cmemminger@starbulletin.com