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Honolulu Lite Charles Memminger |
Wolverines, lack of nice
cooked StewartWhen Martha Stewart left the courthouse after being the first American citizen to be convicted of violating the federal "Not Being a Very Nice Person Act," I couldn't take my eyes off of the brown furry thing she had wrapped around her neck.
I'm sure it was extremely expensive and chic, but it looked like a pair of wolverines had tied themselves into a knot fighting over her larynx. Or maybe it was a mink noose, which would have been appropriate for the Queen of Good Taste. The legal noose Martha finds herself in she designed herself. She delicately crocheted it out of a sturdy fabric of lies and massive ego. She's a hard case, this woman. As reggae singer Jimmy Cliff crooned, "The harder they come, the harder they fall." And Martha Stewart is falling like a 10-ton brick soufflé.
Officially, Martha was convicted of conspiracy, obstruction of justice and lying to investigators, but we all know she was convicted of being a royal "you know what." (Hint: Sounds like witch.) Any woman more sympathetic than Martha, like talk-show host Oprah Winfrey or serial killer Aileen Wuornos, would have never been charged. If the federal government is going to start criminally prosecuting everyone who lies to an investigator, we are going to need some room for new prisons, like North Dakota.
The only person I remember being tried for lying was longtime Carpenters Union head Walter Kupau. It was 20 years ago when he faced a federal jury on a couple of perjury counts.
THERE ARE SOME similarities between Walter Kupau's case and Martha Stewart's, mainly that the government wanted to make an example of both of them. Kupau was another hard case, which union leaders have to be. Kupau's enemies once hanged his dog in a tree in his yard. That's the kind of thing that will make you a tad testy.
I'll always remember jury selection in the Kupau case. The jury pool herded into the federal courthouse was one hue: white. As soon as his attorneys would knock one white guy off the jury, another would be called. Finally, an all-white jury was impaneled. Kupau looked at the jury and said, "Bruddah, those aren't my peers." You'll be shocked to learn he was convicted.
Martha Stewart didn't exactly get a jury of her peers, either. (I'm not sure I'd like to see 12 Martha Stewarts gathered in one place anyway. Would world domination be far behind?)
One of the small-minded ferrets on the jury accidentally told reporters one reason they convicted her is because she was too aloof to take the stand. That's a violation of the judge's jury instructions, but how often does Joe Blow get to knock a diva off her throne?
Martha's headed for the big house, and we have learned a few lessons: If you are going to trade stocks on inside information, make sure you're a nice person. And don't wear wrestling wolverines around your neck.
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Charles Memminger, winner of National Society of Newspaper Columnists awards, appears Tuesdays, Thursdays and Sundays. E-mail cmemminger@starbulletin.com