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Digital Slob Curt Brandao |
If duty calls, don’t
answer the cell phoneFew at work feel more spiritually connected to the phrase "phoning it in" than extra-effort-averse Digital Slobs.
Sadly, the Digital Age is turning one of our favorite idioms inside-out. In cell form, phones are less a tool for playing hooky, and more a snare for middle managers who use them to routinely poach employees out of weekend playgrounds for overtime shifts. In most manager handbooks, this is covered in a secret chapter called, "The Catch-and-Never-Release Program."
In the 21st century, if you want to be deemed ineligible for OT, any honest excuse that doesn't put you in an ambulance or in a Vegas chapel with Britney Spears (ideally both) will surely rip the sheen right off your annual performance evaluation.
So clearly, lying is the more palatable option. But just like the cable company and my last half-dozen two-timing sweethearts, Slobs know the best bogus excuse is a voicemail bogus excuse.
Here then are four templates for outgoing cell messages that, while not ironclad, could muddy the water enough to make any overtime-trolling supervisor skip to the next minion on his Rolodex:
Fast-Food Moonlighting Slob: "Hey, sorry I can't hear my cell ring. This deep fryer is deafening. Also, in the last five months, I've lost a Sony Ericsson T616 in a batch of onion rings, a Nokia 3650 in a vat of chicken fingers and a Samsung SCH-A460 in either a key lime pie or a tray of cobbler. If you really need to find me, you can usually catch me nosing around emergency room lost-and-founds when my shift is over."
Obsessive-Compulsive Slob: "Hey, sorry I can't answer my cell -- I'm sure it's because I'm checking messages at this very moment. So leave a message and I'll call you back, or don't leave a message and I'll check my "missed calls" list in case you wanted to leave a message, but didn't because you know I check messages all the time and you assumed I'd call you back once I finished checking messages, but I probably won't because I'm never finished checking messages. Oh, forget it, I'll just call everyone to see if they wanted to leave a message. So, probably you shouldn't leave a message because then you won't pick up when I call you to ask you why you didn't. OK. OK. OK. ... OK."
Disgruntled Slob: "I'm not answering because I'm not on the clock. I'm not paid enough to stay connected to the 'corporate hive mind' one nanosecond past 40 hours a week. If you're trolling for OT workers, you probably make five times my salary, which means you're smart enough to continue your after-hours career-climbing chess game without this pawn on your board. The CEO said as much when he promoted you over me, anyway. If I didn't say congrats at the time, well, I was probably daydreaming then about going fishing now. Live your dream. I'm living mine."
Undisclosed Secure Slob: "Hey, sorry I can't answer the phone. My stupid cell is always fading out for some reason. But I'll call you back as soon as I get your message, which should be right after I leave my house two miles underground in a former missile silo that I coated in lead, unless I'm helping my friend dig his well, or taking photos for my coffee-table book on the nation's longest tunnels. Otherwise, I'll try to get a signal tomorrow the moment I can afford to give my sled dogs a rest as I race the Iditarod. But stay in touch."
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Curt Brandao is the Star-Bulletin's production editor. Reach him at: cbrandao@starbulletin.com