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Honolulu Lite Charles Memminger |
Subject lines on spam
never fail to amazeInternet spam has become so annoying to so many people that it's not safe to even joke about it anymore.
It's not so much that any one of these unsolicited e-mails could carry an electronic virus that could wipe out your computer in a heartbeat, although that is part of it.
Imagine what it would be like if every piece of junk mail you received in your mailbox had the potential to blow up your kitchen after you lugged the offensive missive into your house.
What is making most computer users crazy is the sheer volume of spam they get every day.
Hidden away in the mass of e-mail are a few messages that you actually need, from friends or business associates. My daily "Where's Waldo" search for real e-mail among the sea of spam takes hours or at least seems that way.
The only way to separate wanted e-mail from unwanted is by reading the "subject line," which contains alleged information about the incoming message. Spammers have gotten increasingly tricky about what they stick in the subject line to get your attention.
Nevertheless, some of the subject line lingo is so idiotic, it's hard to believe that anyone would bother to open the message. I mean, is anyone stupid enough to fall for "MOrtg@gerates of 3.12 Precent @re pOssiBle!"? Apparently the answer is yes, or else we wouldn't be flooded with the ridiculous things.
I'D LIKE TO see an Academy Awards type of program recognizing the dumbest and most offensive subject lines. Here are some of the possible categories and nominees:
>> Easiest Plea to Ignore: "Man, you're gonna love this!" "Discreet Delivery," "Missed You" and the curious "fgszguygthcvcu."I particularly like the use of exclamation points in the messages pushing drugs like Valium and Prozac. I got one e-mail labeled "!!!!!Prozac!!!!!!" Don't they realize that people who really need Prozac shouldn't be unnecessarily excited?>> Lifetime Stupid Achievement Award: "Hi," "Heya," "Hi there," "Hey," "Howdy" or any along the "hi" line.
>> Most Offensive: Any message mentioning a farm animal.
>> Most Desperate: "Viagra!" "Cheap Viagra!" "Free Viagra!" and "9 Times Better Than Viagra!"
>> Most Patently Illegal: "Totally Legal Valium, Xanax, Prozac without a prescription! Check it out!"
>> Most Perplexing: "Depressed?" "Lasts 36 Hours" and "Re: AWQQOJ I don't know."
>> Most Likely to Contain a Virus: "Rebecca wants you," "Delivery Notification: Your Message Could Not Be Delivered," and "Important Virus-Free Information!"
>> Most Likely to Be an FBI Sting Operation: Any message mentioning a farm animal.
As for e-mails that ask me if I'm depressed ... come on. Of course, I am. I'm slogging through my pile of spam, aren't I? That's no joke.
See the Columnists section for some past articles.
Charles Memminger, winner of National Society of Newspaper Columnists awards, appears Tuesdays, Thursdays and Sundays. E-mail cmemminger@starbulletin.com