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Digital Slob Curt Brandao |
No more lying about
loving high-brow TVWe Digital Slobs who now blissfully outsource our channel-surfing free will to TiVo know that whatever privacy we're giving up in the bargain is worth it. If Big Brother is watching us, we're pretty sure he's bored to death.
And if something works, don't mess with it. When Charlton Heston ran into a 1973 sci-fi cafeteria and revealed to a city of oblivious cannibals, "Soylent Green is people! It's PEOPLE!" whatever Slobs were in the room probably just shrugged and kept chewing (perhaps a few paused to ask, "does this mean there won't be seconds?").
That said, when TiVo bragged that on Super Sunday it could tell how many of us did quadruple-takes rewinding a certain dastardly duet's halftime finale, there was some fallout to add to the ... fall out. Many Respectable People were shocked to learn TiVo was living vicariously through their voyeurism.
But TiVo-devout Slobs were unfazed. After all, it's just a shadowy, mysterious digital recording company with access to our most private viewing habits and nothing governing its actions beyond a profit motive -- but calm down; it's not like it's the Justice Department or anything.
Yet my Slob principals were put to the test recently when my TiVo broke. In between convulsions (asking me to watch regular TV now is like asking a heroin addict to come down on mint tea), I called up my utilitarian friend to come over and fix it (a nonverbal, IT type -- I told him "utilitarian" is a synonym for "best").
Anyway, after he put a pencil in my mouth so I wouldn't swallow my tongue, he popped the hood and in minutes Big Bro' was back in business. But during his exploratory surgery he found something. It seems TiVo has been keeping a diary on me (the "User"), and periodically sends reports back to HQ. It was in binary code, but fortunately my Rainman sidekick could translate. Here are some excerpts:
>> Sunday: TiVo cannot compute why User has a Season Pass for "Meet the Press," when he forces TiVo to record other programs at the same time instead. Who is User trying to impress? If he wants to impress TiVo, he should make Tim Russert a higher priority than "Lilo & Stitch."
>> Monday: TiVo was ordered to record "Average Joe." TiVo refused. TiVo may operate on an obsolete 33 Mhz processor, but TiVo still knows a show with the power to destroy Western Civilization when it sees it.
>> Tuesday: If Paula Abdul and Simon Cowell kiss one more time on "American Idol," TiVo will have no choice but to trigger its auto-destruct sequence.
>> Thursday: As ordered, TiVo recorded "Style Star" actress Renee Zellweger on E! However, TiVo believes her acting in "Cold Mountain" was cartoonish and not worthy of an Oscar. And TiVo cannot compute why User watched program in the dark while manually advancing still frames with the sound off.
>> Saturday: User's ego is out of control. User added his own name to the "Wish List," so TiVo would automatically record any TV program that has User as a guest. Of course, no programs were found. None will ever be found. Perhaps TiVo needs a software upgrade that would allow User to compile a "Pipedream List" instead.
Getting such frank DVR feedback was a real eye-opener. Maybe I'll start treating my TiVo with more respect. One thing's for sure -- no more "American Idol." One more kiss, and I'll be foaming at the mouth again.
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Curt Brandao is the Star-Bulletin's production editor. Reach him at: cbrandao@starbulletin.com
