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Alo-Ha! Friday Charles Memminger |
Will pay psychic
who sees $$$
in my future
An Australian skeptic has filed a complaint with the Melbourne Consumer Affairs department hoping to prove that visiting American psychic John Edward cannot actually communicate with the dead.
Edwards has become a millionaire channeling messages from dead people to their gullible living relatives. Those messages generally consist of the deceased person saying: "Hey, I'm fine. I'm hanging with Ben Franklin. Quit bothering me."
The Australian legal action won't unmask the wily Edwards. But I've got a foolproof way to prove whether psychics are real. I hereby promise to pay $1 million to any psychic who can provide me with the correct numbers to any lottery that will pay me at least $1.5 million.
Now the news:
Game ends short of goal
EDMONTON (CP) >> After 87 hours and 10 minutes, an attempt at breaking the world record for the longest hockey game was abandoned because ice was melting from unseasonably mild temperatures.Despite a final score of the Black team getting 1,186 goals and Red getting only 951, the game fell short of the 130-hour record.
(On the bright side, 423 people either died of boredom or attempted suicide, a new ice hockey game record.)
Cod got the real thing
OSLO, Norway (AP) >> A family in western Norway discovered a dented but intact can of Coca-Cola inside the stomach of a cod it caught.Stig Skaar said, "I could see something wasn't right" when he pulled the fish in.
(What wasn't right was that somebody had shoved a can of Coke down the fish's throat.)
Heart valve goes to pot
BUFFALO (AP) >> A drug dealer inadvertently picked up a box at an airport counter containing a heart valve and vein, even though the box was marked, "Please rush, human tissue for transplant," instead of the box of marijuana.(Understandable. The pot box was marked "Please rush, herbal material for inhalation.")
'Honolulu Lite' on Sunday:
In a stunning scientific development, experiments by an elementary school prodigy prove once and for all that cat drool is cleaner than dog drool. Will humanity ever be the same?
Quote me on this (Department of Walking on the Wilde Side):
"My wallpaper and I are fighting a duel to the death. One of us has got to go." -- Oscar Wilde (just before his death)"One must have a heart of stone to read the death of Little Nell without laughing." -- Oscar Wilde
"Murder is always a mistake. One should never do anything that one cannot talk about after dinner." -- Oscar Wilde
See the Columnists section for some past articles.
Charles Memminger, winner of National Society
of Newspaper Columnists awards, appears
Tuesdays, Thursdays , Fridays and Sundays.
E-mail cmemminger@starbulletin.com
