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The Goddess Speaks Debra Evans |
Women’s validation
should come from withinFrom 10 floors above, I can tell that the young couple standing down on the sidewalk are fighting. It isn't because I can hear them yelling at each other or that they throwing punches. But I recognize the signs: the arm's-length distance between them, their stiff postures and the staccato back-and-forth banter they share. It's obvious that they've reached a boiling point right there on the sidewalk for the whole world to see.
Watching them, I was transported to days when I was younger. Remember being young and having those fights with a boyfriend? How in a fit of drama and rage you'd stomp out only to be trailed by him, all the while shouting back and forth to each other? How you'd stop and face each other, waiting for the other to back down, apologize or give in? And how, more times than not, these charades were played out in public view? How tough it is to be young and in love?
Suddenly my attention is yanked back to the couple below. She has rammed herself into his shoulder, and he has instinctively slapped the side of her head. My breath catches in my throat. The girl covers her head and breaks down in tears. He takes several steps away from her, only to return to her side. His attempts to soothe her are met with her shoving his hands away. And then the unexpected happens, and this is what tears my heart wide open. He walks away, looking back at her as if she were something disgusting. The girl gets down on her knees and begins to beg him to come back. On her knees! Right there on the sidewalk!
"Oh no, girl!" I want to yell out. "Get up! You don't need to beg, please honey, get up!" Of course, I don't know why they are fighting, and it's really not the point. The point is that I can see no reason for a woman to get down on her knees and beg a man for anything.
IT'S TOUGH BEING young and in love. It is rare to be young and possess the insight to recognize that a woman has value in being, spirit and heart. The idea that women are subject to men and their whims, that a woman needs to acquiesce to a male in relationships has been broken by a new generation of women who had the fortitude to stand up and say, "Wait just a gosh darn minute there, cowboy!"
I know of several mothers who have instilled in their young daughters the idea that women have value that they need to place upon themselves. The girls have been taught to recognize, honor, respect and love themselves so that they can make wise decisions for themselves. These young girls already have goals of self-sufficiency, exhibiting self-confidence and assurance that is refreshing to see.
Dads have a big role in all of this, too. How a man raises his daughter colors the woman she will become. His treatment of her often dictates the type of men she allows into her life. How dad treats mom affects boys' and girls' perceptions of how relationships should or should not be. If dad is caring and nurturing, it's likely that she'll expect nothing less in her own relationships. On the flip side, if he is distant, uncaring or abusive, wouldn't this breed mistrust in men in general?
Many of us grew up without the benefit of having mom teaching us how to value ourselves. "Do your chores before you go out, don't stay out too late, be a good girl and don't get pregnant!" That pretty much summed up most mother-daughter instructions when I was growing up. No wonder so many of us found ourselves begging for validation.
It's so different today, when women have access to a more uplifting message. Opportunity abounds, and women are giving themselves more credit. We are finally realizing that we have choices, a voice and self-respect. It is vital for mothers of today's young women to not only teach their daughters how to cook and clean, but more important, how to value themselves. Because we deserve it, because we matter, because our days of finding ourselves on our knees are over.
Debra Evans is a freelance writer in Honolulu.
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