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Sidelines Kalani Simpson |
This coconut had no
professional trainingYOU, too, can race on a rainbow. The University of Hawaii track and field Sunrise & Sunset meets really are open to everybody. It's true, I've tested it. If they take me, everybody's welcome.
I am not an athlete. Yes, there was a time, in my youth, when I would run and jump and slam my body into other bodies. But this was primarily because there were large men with whistles yelling at me for motivational purposes. That was a long time ago.
Today, yes, coaches still growl at me. But for different reasons.
So I knew the people at UH's brand new, beautiful track would turn me away. The brochure even said, "We reserve the right to refuse entry of athletes who present a danger to themselves or others."
Like looking in a mirror.
But no. They did have me sign several times on an ominous form. Good legal move. In retrospect, I realize they didn't check ID, and so I should have used an alias and competed under a fake name.
Because there were real athletes there. Serious high school tracksters. Members of the UH women's team. UH football players Abraham Elimimian and Britton Komine in the sprints.
For a day, I was among them. I headed for my event, this test of strength and skill and athletic talent that had called to me -- the Coconut Toss.
That's right, I entered a coconut-throwing contest. (What? You thought I was going to run the 3,000 meters?)
I figured I could do it. In my life, I have thrown coconuts.
They said take a practice toss. You stand on a board, bending the knees. Then you heave it backward, over your head.
Really?
At this point I was wondering if they just wanted to see who would actually do it.
But no, that was the real event. Backward it was.
"Squat down real low," UH track athlete Arwen Glazner said. "And use your legs."
Right. But it soon became apparent that I was at a competitive disadvantage. I had not warmed up properly. "Warmed up properly" meaning "done anything athletic in the last 11 years."
Let's put it this way: I was the "She Bangs" guy of the Coconut Toss.
Kelsey Smith, a UH javelin thrower (and I feel I should mention in my own defense that she was competing in her second Coconut Toss), did much better than I did. I asked her secret.
"Drop your hips more," she said. "It's all in the hips."
Isn't everything?
UH trackster Novelle Murray was incredible. She was better than all of us. She was within striking distance of the world record (held by some Canadian guy)!
"Is this victory your greatest moments in sports?" I asked her. She burst out laughing, as if this wasn't a serious question.
I asked her advice on how to improve my backward-coconut-throwing form.
"Get low," she said, "and just have a really good release. And if there's wind, hope it goes with it."
Yes. Yes, I could do that. I may yet compete again in the Coconut Toss.
My entry card would read "Fabio."
See the Columnists section for some past articles.
Kalani Simpson can be reached at ksimpson@starbulletin.com
