"Some people shuffle papers and stuff envelopes all day and lose their grasp on creativity. We continue to produce even if we are not being treated with dignity. When our lives become mechanized, it is also painful." --Barbara Altemus
An author says being hurt mentally
can open the door to a meaningful life
Imagine how nice the world would be if we could just follow the pattern of nature. "In a garden, flowers are all shapes and colors, but their roots are connected," says author Barbara Altemus. After all, the world is a kaleidoscope of different kinds of people. Yet, rather than feeling connected to one another, "We've created fewer places for different types of personalities to feel good about themselves," she said.
Barbara Altemus
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Her guide toward this revelation was pain.
Altemus wrote "The Gift of Pain, Transforming Hurt into Healing" (Perigee, $14.95) to demonstrate how pain affects our daily lives. The pain doesn't have to be physical or triggered by disastrous events. It can be brought on simply by the routine of going to work each day.
"Some people shuffle papers and stuff envelopes all day and lose their grasp on creativity. We continue to produce even if we are not being treated with dignity," she said. "When our lives become mechanized, it is also painful."
Yet, that pain can act as a catalyst for the transformation of consciousness. Through pain, Altemus learned, one can develop qualities such as compassion, empathy, strength in character, humility, the ability to love and be loved, and an appreciation for life.
She's not the only one who believes this, as the book includes essays from other contributors such as Jack Canfield, author of "Chicken Soup for the Soul"; peacemakers such as Ela Ghandi, granddaughter of Mahatma Ghandi; and movie stars such as Martin Sheen and Goldie Hawn, who battled anxiety in spite of her Hollywood successes. But it is Altemus' story that holds the book together.
When Altemus arrived in the islands with her daughter Imani in 1994, it was to escape. In a short period of time, she had lost both her parents to cancer and her best friend committed suicide, leaving behind a husband and three children. Soon after the deaths, Altemus left a bad marriage.
She felt she was being buried by the crises and said: "I didn't know how I could possible make a life for myself. I hadn't fully dealt with any of the issues."
But rather than wallow in the pain, she sought help by attending a seminar focused on assisting individuals in living and financing their dreams. Bernie Dohrmann, founder of the seminar, told her she would write a book about alternative ways of healing and that it would lead to many opportunities.
The prophecy came true as she was able to travel abroad with her daughter and meet an array of influential individuals. Altemus is currently working with a group in South Africa in practicing alternative and energetic healing.
Once Altemus worked through her pain, she started to live again. She began writing poetry, claiming it to be one of the best medicines for healing. Her firsthand experience has taught her that people are resilient and that it is possible to grow from crises to experience joy again.
"Pain is a wake-up call, and it can trigger renewal or entrenchment. Pain affects individuals, families and nations, bringing forth their best and worst qualities."
Yet, while everyone encounters pain on various levels throughout their lifetime -- whether physical, emotional, mental or spiritual -- Americans prefer to numb themselves to the overwhelming feelings pain brings. Often, people turn to mood-altering substances such as drugs or alcohol, or deviant behavior.
"We try to avoid pain at all costs. And, if we do feel it, we try to get rid of it right away," Altemus said, indicating that advertisers know this and continue to lure consumers to products offering a new lease on life, such as pills that will miraculously combat pain, fear, stress, anxiety, excess fat and an endless list of problems.
"People go to extraordinary lengths to avoid pain, often sacrificing their lives to do so," Altemus said, proposing that what they may really need is to identify the source of pain and address it, even if it means unleashing tears and dark torrents of emotion.
"We all have disappointments," she said, but what is unusual is that many people live in fear even when their lives are seemingly perfect. Prime examples, she said, are "after-the-wedding blues" and postpartum depression, she said.
ALTEMUS HAS ALWAYS had a knack for helping others. She worked with at-risk youths for more than 15 years at inner-city schools in Los Angeles, dealing with drug addiction, gangs and suicide prevention. "I felt boxed in, though, as if there were something more for me to do."
COURTESY OF BARBARA ALTEMUS
Barbara Altemus, shown with daughter Imani, said people should embrace their pain as the path toward healing.
Altemus is also trained in nutrition, mind-spirit treatment and other alternative healing modalities. She spent time studying alternative approaches to healing while traveling in Mexico, Central America, South America and American Indian reservations across the United States. As an active member of the international peace movement, she has worked closely with Chief Arvol Looking Horse, spiritual leader of the Sioux, and met the Dalai Lama.
"It gave me my voice back ... and it was an amazing journey."
During the tough times, she gained many positive insights. While caring for her mother, Altemus said she received a "gift of understanding; what it means to put someone else first."
"Sometimes my daughter and I would weep in each other's arms. When I was grieving, I realized I couldn't be crying all the time. I needed to be solid for us.
"I felt awful, ugly and rejected. But, when I started to be authentic with myself, I suddenly felt beauty. I started to love myself for being honest and for not pretending anymore. If I had chosen to be a victim, my script would have been 'poor me.' I didn't want to get stuck," she said.
Altemus suggests that people in pain cry it out, punch pillows, scream at the top of their lungs ... do anything to move the stagnant energy. Another way to get in touch with feelings is to listen to your dreams. For indigenous cultures this is a natural way of living, as portrayed in the film "Whale Rider," said Altemus.
ALTHOUGH WE LIVE in a privileged society, it is also one that is so goal- and outward-oriented that many individuals lose sight of what they really want and are not aware of how they are hurting themselves in the process of chasing the American Dream.
"Kids are not allowed to think outside of the box," Altemus said. "In our culture it is so much about the total performance or someone else's applause."
This is why she hears so many people saying things like, "I wish I could paint" but who never try out of fear of failure.
"Creativity is not about how good you are at something. It is about how well our lives are working for us," she said, pointing out we all have gifts to share.
"I get so excited when I see someone experiencing an open heart or a livening of the spirit. I know that they are moving forward in their lives," she said. "When we grow into spiritual beings, it makes life better for everyone, especially when we are doing things that are enlightening or enlivening."
The opposite is the person who is always in a negative mood, resentful or unforgiving. "They are choosing to be a victim," Altemus said. Those who do so often "get stuck and make poor choices for themselves, their children and for the environment and the community, she said.
Taking the first step toward a new life is as simple as talking to friends, taking a walk in nature, writing, drawing, listening to music or even renting a movie.
"Think about what made you happy as a child, what made you feel free," she said, rather than turning to drugs, alcohol or bad foods that lead to greater problems.
Altemus' "go with the flow" attitude is built on a sense of connectedness -- whether it is with one's cultural and ancestral heritage or a higher power. When we are aware of our surroundings, understand the natural cycles of life and can connect with the invisible world, we receive a sense of strength and well-being, she said. "Kids are really good at this until we drive it out of them.
"When we are connected to who we are and what we are supposed to be doing, everything opens up. It beats not feeling anything and shutting yourself down."
In learning to appreciate life, one another and ourselves, we move into a greater degree of connectedness with everything around us.
"What kind of world are we creating for our children if we continue to neglect how sacred life is?" Altemus asks. "We all want to be safe and feel loved."
Barbara Altemus is an individual and family therapist, life coach and poet. She can be reached by e-mail at BAltemus@aol.com. Her Web site is www.thegiftofpain.com
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