|
Honolulu Lite Charles Memminger |
Cupid needs
calculator,
not arrowsNow that Valentine's Day is safely behind us, I can reveal that scientists have come up with a mathematical formula that can predict whether a marriage will fail.
This will have a huge impact on American culture, speeding up the annoyingly long time it takes for married couples to finally realize that they hate each other and their marriage is doomed.
Couples will be able to get married in the morning, check the mathematical formula and file for divorce before dinner time. (I assume the formula doesn't work before the actual wedding because the future ex-spouses are still in that delusional pre-marriage stage of psychosis that prevents them from realizing just what a disgusting, self-centered weirdo they are getting hitched to.)
The "marriage breakdown model" was developed by clinical psychologist John Gottman and mathematicians James Murray and Kristin Swanson at the University of Washington. They interviewed hundreds of newlyweds during the past 15 years, concluding that newlyweds are about the most annoying subgroup of humans on the planet. Actually, that's just the way I feel about newlyweds, but I assume that in the course of their studies the scientists wanted to haul off and smack at least a few dozen of their subjects.
THE ACTUAL FORMULA the scientists came up with is way too complicated explain but it involves basically listening to newlyweds discuss "hot button" issues like sex, money, sex for money, and who gets the TV remote control. Scores are assigned to various responses, plugged into equations and then graphs are created to allow the scientists to make recommendations to the happy couple, such as "don't keep any loaded firearms in the house," "don't bend over to pick up that can of beer suspiciously sitting at the top of a stairway" and "accidentally knock small portions of dinner off the table so the dog can taste it first."
The scientists claim they can predict whether a marriage is going to break up with 94 percent accuracy. Considering that more than half of all marriages end in divorce, this doesn't seem like a monumental feat. I can predict with 94 percent accuracy whether a couple is going to break up simply by watching them fight over who is going to do the dishes.
In fact, until these scientists came up with their mathematical formula, the two most reliable ways of gauging the health of a union was the intensity of dish-related inter-marital combat and the aforementioned "sex for money" controversy. Another tell-tale sign was how long it took for the phrase "lard butt" to enter the couple's daily conversations.
But it's always better to go with hard, provable science on these kinds of things. I wonder, however, why the scientists chose to present their findings to the American Association for the Advancement of Science instead of the more appropriate venue, a meeting of the American Trial Lawyers Association.
See the Columnists section for some past articles.
Charles Memminger, winner of National Society of Newspaper Columnists awards, appears Tuesdays, Thursdays and Sundays. E-mail cmemminger@starbulletin.com
