Put passion
to the test
with love scale
It's as addictive as any drug -- the highs are euphoric and the lows throw you to the ground. The unrelenting inner dialogue it produces can drown out every intelligent thought in your head.
Against all logic, you persist in pursuing something you know will keep you sleepless in Seattle or anywhere else. It can even make you lose your appetite.
Nevertheless, humans crave it. We yearn for it, burn for it, occasionally kill for it. Ever since a caveman bopped a woman on the head and dragged her off, we've been driven to obtain it.
"IT" is Love. Heartrending, all-consuming, passionate love.
Looking for Mr./Ms. Right has become the national pastime, judging by the plethora of matchmaking television shows, and the "how-to-attract/turn on/keep faithful" advice filling magazines and books.
If you can't find a soul mate on your own, a growing number of dating services and Web sites will help set up that life-changing hook-up.
Psychology professor and author Elaine Hatfield of the University of Hawaii said the current state of the date isn't an indication that it's harder to find a Significant Other today than in the past.
"It's always (been) hard to find a soul mate. In the old days, women had to marry -- they had no other way to support themselves -- and would settle for what they could get. These days, men and women have more options as to how to live," said Hatfield, who collaborates with her husband, UH history professor Richard L. Rapson, on books about love and sex across cultural boundaries.
Some people don't even know whether they're in love at all. But according to Hatfield, once you think you've found that special someone, it's possible to quantify your love.
Hatfield, a former president of the Society for the Scientific Study of Sex, co-developed a Passionate Love Scale (see box) in 1986 with sociologist Susan Sprecher of Illinois State University. It took several years of testing college students to develop the scale so that it would be appropriate for couples of all ages, ethnic groups and cultures.
Sample statements on the passionate love scale:
"I would feel deep despair if __________ left me."
"Sometimes I feel I can't control my thoughts; they are obsessively about __________."
Fill in the blank with the name of the person you love now, or the last person you loved. Rate the truth of the statement from 1 (not at all true) to 9 (definitely true).
The scale has been re-printed in several popular magazines, most recently in the Jan. 19 issue of Time, alongside an article revealing that passion is mostly generated by the motivating engine (the caudate nucleus) of the brain, fueled by a chemical called dopamine and the hormones testosterone and estrogen. Thus is love reduced to a chemical reaction. So much for the romance of it all.
But Hatfield says there's "lots more to learn about passionate love" than a thimbleful of chemicals. "We are just beginning to find out how passionate love works. People yearn for many things -- romantic fulfillment is just one of them."
IS THE AMOUNT of passion a person possesses an indicator of how long their relationships will last? "Alas, no one knows that," Hatfield said. "I think you need some degree of being in love and a friendship if your relationship is to survive."
In other words, a balance of reality and fantasy.
"I don't think men and women need a perfect mate, but almost everyone wants someone they can love. Something like 90 percent of men and women say they wouldn't consider marrying someone they didn't love ... even if they were perfect," she added.
A landmark survey in 1994 of more than 10,000 men and women from 37 countries found that "the single trait that both sexes valued most was mutual attraction/love. After that, men and women cared about finding someone who possessed a dependable character, emotional stability and maturity, and a pleasing disposition," according to Hatfield.
She cited a 1995 study that found that people from 11 nations, from traditional to modern, would refuse to marry someone they did not love, even if that person had all the other qualities they desired.
In 1996, she and Rapson asked men and women of European, Filipino and Japanese ancestry to complete the Passionate Love Scale. To their surprise, they found that men and women from various ethnic groups seemed to love with equal passion, despite cultural values and the prevalence of arranged marriages in some countries.
"It is only in a few Eastern, collectivist and poorer countries that passionate love remains a bit of a luxury ... In a variety of traditional cultures, young people are increasingly adopting 'Western' patterns -- placing a high value on 'falling in love,' pressing for gender equality in love and sex, and insisting on marriage for love," their research concludes.
Maybe Nat King Cole was right when he sang, in "Nature Boy," "The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love, and be loved in return."
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Answers range from:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 Not at all true Moderately true Definitely true
1. I would feel deep despair if __________ left me.
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 2. Sometimes I feel I can't control my thoughts; they are obsessively about __________.
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 3. I feel happy when I am doing something to make __________ happy.
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 4. I would rather be with __________ than anyone else.
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 5. I'd get jealous if I thought __________ were falling in love with someone else.
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 6. I yearn to know all about __________.
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 7. I want __________ physically, emotionally and mentally.
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 8. I have an endless appetite for affection from __________.
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 9. For me, __________ is the perfect romantic partner.
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10. I sense my body responding when __________ touches me.
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 11. __________ always seems to be on my mind.
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 12. I want __________ to know me -- my thoughts, my fears and my hopes.
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 13. I eagerly look for signs indicating __________'s desire for me.
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 14. I possess a powerful attraction for __________.
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 15. I get extremely depressed when things don't go write in my relationship with _________.
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 TOTAL SCORE _____ Results:
106-135 points = Wildly, even recklessly, in love
86-105 points = Passionate, but less intense
66-85 points = Occasional burts of passion
46-65 points = Tepid, infrequent passion
15-44 points = No thrill, never was
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