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Sidelines Kalani Simpson |
Xterra championship
is must-see TVGENERALLY speaking, on principle, I am not, nor will I ever be, even remotely interested in any athletic contest named after a car (with the possible exception of "the Integra" -- that, no matter what it entailed, I would watch).
So to this point I hadn't paid any attention to the XTERRA (an "extreme" triathlon-style competition) despite the fact that it holds its annual world championship on Maui.
(The story goes that the race and Nissan each came up with the name independently and simultaneously. And the two have had a happy coexistence -- including title sponsorship, of course -- ever since.)
But this week the boss suggested I attend a sneak preview of the national broadcast (tomorrow, noon, CBS, the big network) of this year's big race.
Wow. The race itself -- I told the organizers it looks like great fun, as long as you aren't actually in it -- is one thing.
But this is a great television show.
A great TV show. It reminds you of the annual Ironman Triathlon broadcast -- compelling, dramatic, poignant. But even better, it is funny, too.
The timing is perfect. There is Hans Dieben, the three-time world champ in the 60-and-over age division. "I am 64 years old," he says. "No, I should say I am 64 years young." Cut, to let him try it again. But they leave both parts in. "I am 64 years young," he says.
Then, later, at the end of the race, at the end of the show, we catch up with Hans again. He is inching his bedraggled sweat-soaked carcass through the final steps of a 1.5 kilometer swim, 30K rugged mountain bike ride and 11K "trail run" over, around and through trees, lava rock and a baking beach.
"I saw Elvis," the near-dead Hans says. "I saw Jesus. I saw Madame Pele.
"And they all three, they didn't like me!"
At the end the women's champion collapses under the weight of her winner's maile lei.
We see biker after biker huli over, gruesome spills on dusty mountain rocks. We watch the defending men's champ -- he calls himself "the Caveman" -- left on the side of the road with a broken bike, begging passersby for spare parts.
Yes, there is the tear-jerking inspirational story of the guy competing after having spent six months in a coma. But you also can't go wrong with the brilliant editing of the separate dueling "The Bachelor"/"Real World" interviews of the top two woman contenders fighting to see which can out-cat the other.
This show has everything short of Donald Trump telling the runner-up "You're fired."
And of course it has Maui, which is always a good thing in this season of mainland ice and snow (although the narrator, for the life of him, cannot properly pronounce "Haleakala"). But the script keeps playing up 90-degree temperatures, and part of the bike trail, a fellow viewer notes, looks like the Australian Outback.
No, this race is no paradise. It looks like a death march, like everyone in it has seen Elvis, Jesus, Pele, all three.
It's great television. They said I should come cover this event. I don't know about that, but I love the show. Tomorrow, you should too.
See the Columnists section for some past articles.
Kalani Simpson can be reached at ksimpson@starbulletin.com