Alo-Ha! Friday

Charles Memminger

Snow, tornados, hail ...
What is this? Kansas?

When snow fell on the poppy field right outside Emerald City, waking up the sleeping Dorothy and her malfunctional cohorts, the Cowardly Lion rubbed his eyes and said, "Strange weather we're havin', ain't it?"

With hail, week-long thunderstorms, snow on the volcanoes, tree-uprooting wind and even a tornado touching down in Kunia recently, I'm feeling that "I have a feeling we're not in Hawaii anymore" feeling.

"What's next, frogs falling from the sky?" I asked the insurance adjuster eyeballing my destroyed fence.

"Falling frogs," he said thoughtfully, as he handed me $3.64 in coin to pay for a new fence. "Hmmmm. Don't think we cover that."

Now the news:

Queer eye for da cow guy

MOSCOW ( >> Russian gay-rights activists are planning to set up the world's first gay-only communal farm.

Activist Valery Klimov said the farm will breed cattle and produce dairy and vegetable products. He said he did not yet know how big the farm would be or how many workers it would need.

(Or how you can tell a gay cow from a straight one.)

Parents were monsters

WHITE PLAINS, N.Y. (AP) >> When a 10-year-old girl told her parents something scary was lurking in her closet, they told her to go back to bed and go to sleep.

An hour later, she told them that a man with two dogs who had been in her closet had left. They still didn't believe her. Then they discovered the dogs' muddy paw prints all over the house.

(There also was a monster under her bed, but the girl decided, "The hell with it," and went to sleep.)

Dead whale go boom

TAINAN, Japan (BBC) >> Internal gas buildup caused by the decomposing process caused a dead sperm whale being delivered to a research center to explode, covering nearby pedestrians and cars with whale remains.

(Sashimi for everybody!)

'Honolulu Lite' on Sunday:

You know what? I'm tired of hearing about how hard it is to find Rusti the orangutan a home. Stick him on a plane, send him to Las Vegas and be done with the hairy troublemaker. (Rant continues in Sunday's "Honolulu Lite.")

Quote me on this (Longhaired Music Division):

"It is sobering to consider that when Mozart was my age, he had already been dead for a year." -- Tom Lehrer

"Sleep is an excellent way of listening to an opera." -- James Stephens

"A highbrow is anyone who can listen to the William Tell Overture and not think of the Lone Ranger." -- Jack Perlis

See the Columnists section for some past articles.

Charles Memminger, winner of National Society
of Newspaper Columnists awards, appears
Tuesdays, Thursdays , Fridays and Sundays.


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