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Honolulu Lite Charles Memminger |
The State of the Bod address
is not like those other
‘state of’ addresses we getThis is the time of year when the president gives his State of the Union address, the governor gives her State of the State address, the mayor gives his State of the City address, the Transportation Director gives his State of the Potholes address and Department of Wildlife Third Cousin to the Head of Reptile Enforcement Branch gives his State of the Gecko address.
Likewise, I generally use this time of year to give my annual State of the Bod address, wherein I discuss successes and shortcomings of the previous year with my various organs and the body as a whole, as well as set an inspiring agenda for bodily functions for the new year. The first draft goes something like this:
Dear bones, internal organs, soft tissue, toenails, hair, cartilage, brain matter and scientifically un-provable spiritual anomalies, I'm happy to be here today, to be anywhere, in fact, to share with you the yearly State of the Bod.
We can safely say that 2003 was a big year for the bod. A huge year. A gigantic year. A Konishiki year, in fact. A year that left our consulting dermatologist enraptured with the amount and lovely condition of the epidermis but the internal medicine specialist somewhat alarmed with everything else.
Let not us dwell on the perennial negativity of the general physician. He has shown over the years he is an extremist partisan, given to criticize everything from nutritional intake to the amount of exercise we engage in. The man does not even regard cheap white wine as a food.
Let us instead recognize the dermatologist, who is with us in the audience today. Stand up, sir. (Wait for applause.) This is a man of vision, wide-angle vision. He was extremely impressed, giddy, one might say, with not only the vast acreage of skin we have developed in the last year, but its somewhat hairy quality. These are exciting times we live in where skin that has lain dormant for decades suddenly sprouts large tufts of hair.
Sadly, hair that has put in many years of colorful, robust service has recently become lethargic and a tad gray. We are consulting outside experts to address this challenge and look forward to working with leaders in the hair re-inspiration business, like Miss Clairol and Helene Curtis.
The new year promises much change. Several long-standing teeth are ready for retirement. They will be replaced by advanced technological chewing objects under the Alien Dental Workers Program.
We have instituted continuous surveillance of certain selected organs under the Home Body Security Act. Organs are free to groan and blow off, uh, steam, but we will not tolerate intestinal work stoppages or other acts of digestive terror.
But not all organ news is bad. We recognize the spleen and pancreas for their continued good work against staggering odds. (Wait for applause.)
All in all, we look forward to 2004 being a healthy, pain-free and relatively ambulatory year.
See the Columnists section for some past articles.
Charles Memminger, winner of National Society of Newspaper Columnists awards, appears Tuesdays, Thursdays and Sundays. E-mail cmemminger@starbulletin.com