Alo-Ha! Friday Charles Memminger

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Reader has an
annoying way
with words

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A lexiophile reader (that's a reader who loves words, I think) forwards the following somewhat annoying examples of advanced wordplay:

>> A bicycle can't stand alone because it's two-tired.
>> What's the definition of a will? It's a dead giveaway.
>> Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
>> In democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism it's your count that votes.
>> If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
>> With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
>> When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
>> A backward poet writes inverse.

Now the news:

Farmer was out on a limb

HARRISON, Ark. (AP) >> A farmer whose arm was torn off in a tractor accident picked up the limb, climbed back on and headed for home to get help.

James Arlen Mondy, 56, was bumped off the tractor when it hit a pole. The spinning blades of a brush cutter chopped off his arm at the shoulder.

After getting home with the severed limb, he was rushed to the hospital where he survived, but doctors were unable to reattach the arm.

Asked how he was able to pick up his own arm and seek help, Mondy said, "What was I supposed to do, lie there and die?"

(Well, yeah. That's the usual protocol in a situation like that.)

Monkeys rile diplomats

KATMANDU, Nepal (AP) >> Monkeys have invaded the Indian Embassy in Nepal's capital, forcing diplomats to seek help from animal specialists.

About three dozen monkeys attacked embassy officials, defecated in offices and destroyed equipment.

Experts from the National Parks and Wildlife Conservation department have been called in to deal with the situation at a price of about 25,000 rupees, or $350.

(Reading over a list of the monkeys' demands, a wildlife official reported: "Bananas, bananas ... hmmm, yeah ... bananas ... Looks pretty much like they want bananas.")

And mo' monkeys

BEIJING (AP) >> Many expectant Chinese women are trying to delay the birth of their children until the Year of the Monkey begins next week. They think people born during the current Year of the Goat are unlucky.

(About 4 million 1-year-old Goat children really resent that.)

'Honolulu Lite' on Sunday: Dude, don't LOL, you've been punk'd (and other stupid utterances from 2003 that should be banned).

Quote me on this:

"I haven't reported my missing credit card to the police because whoever stole it is spending less than my wife." -- Ilie Nastase

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See the Columnists section for some past articles.

Charles Memminger, winner of National Society
of Newspaper Columnists awards, appears
Tuesdays, Thursdays , Fridays and Sundays.
E-mail cmemminger@starbulletin.com