|
Honolulu Lite Charles Memminger |
Profusion of calendars
leaves us in a days,
er, dazeWhen the Chinese emperor Hwowya Doo Ing invented the calendar in the 14th century B.C., he had no idea what a perennial, not to mention perpetual, mess he was making. There are now more calendars than days of the year. In fact, there are more calendars than days of the century. And I've got most of them in my house.
Actually, this was a good year. I received only a couple dozen cutesy calendars as holiday gifts. The only two that are worthwhile are the 2004 Hawaii Fishing Almanac calendar, which has daily tide charts (I like to know if it's high tide or low tide before I step into the shower), and the 2004 Demotivators Calendar for Underachievers, Pessimists and the Chronically Unsuccessful. The Demotivator calendar is a parody of those gushy "inspirational" posters that are curiously popular these days. You know, the ones that show a bunch of guys paddling a crew shell with the words: "PERSEVERANCE: There's No I In T-E-A-M Unless You Spell It T-I-E-M," or something like that.
The Demotivators January calendar offering shows a snow skier about to break his neck with the notation: "INEPTITUDE: If you can't learn to do something well, learn to enjoy doing it poorly." April shows the Leaning Tower of Pisa with the line: "MEDIOCRITY: It takes a lot less time, and most people won't notice the difference until it's too late." The calendar also lists historical low points, such as Jan. 16 (Prohibition Begins in 1920) and Feb. 13 (Inquisition detains Galileo in 1633).
It's a great calendar, but frankly, I don't need it. I print out a monthly calendar off my computer that automatically lists important personal "Fatal Days," such as my wife's birthday and our wedding anniversary. I call them "Fatal Days" because if I were to forget them, I'd be dead.
BUT THE CALENDAR industry is enormous, although I can think of nothing to explain this weird national pathology about not only having to know what day it is, but having that day associated with a puppy, guppy or "Far Side" cartoon. History doesn't tell us the theme of Hwowya Doo Ing's first calendar, but I assume it was something like the "Naughty Girls of the Noodle Shop" or "Water Buffalos in Cute Hats."
Things have gone downhill since then. Some of the calendars you can buy for 2004 include the "Nuns Having Fun Wall Calendar." I'm not kidding. According to its promoters, the calendar is "12 delightful months of nuns caught in the act of letting go." It shows nuns in strip clubs, nuns robbing 7-Elevens, kicking small dogs ... not really. It actually shows real nuns shooting guns and riding in bumper cars, which is scary enough.
It used to be that girlie calendars were considered bad taste. Now, girlie calendars like those featuring tennis sexpot Anna Kournikova and Playboy Playmates in lingerie are the height of fashion. For true tackiness you have to go to the "Monthly Doos 2004" calendar, which features artistic photos of dog feces in various landscapes along with "fun facts, quirky quotes and stories about dung lore."
One could say the doggie doo calendar is an apt editorial assessment of how far this strange industry has fallen, but it is way too early in the year to be that cynical.
See the Columnists section for some past articles.
Charles Memminger, winner of National Society of Newspaper Columnists awards, appears Tuesdays, Thursdays and Sundays. E-mail cmemminger@starbulletin.com