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Digital Slob Curt Brandao |
It’s been a year; time
for a Slob luau, babyFor Digital Slobs, there's almost nothing worse than having to work the holidays (the only thing more egregious, perhaps, is having to work the rest of the year as well).
But for the most part, work we must, because unlike Respectable People (who'll gladly repop their herniated disks doubling over in laughter at a CEOs inane quips), Slobs blow way too much political capital rolling our eyes at superiors year-round to merit a fair shot at pulling one of those long straws that saves everyone else from holiday "volunteering."
Walk into any place open for business on Thanksgiving, Christmas or New Year's and look around -- there's more burned bridges than in the Shenandoah Valley circa 1864. Slobs may have to man the front desk during holiday office parties, but at least we have our pride (not to mention lower backs with full ranges of motion).
But none of this means we can't rest on our laurels while on the clock. Actually, I'm not even sure what a laurel is -- if I wasn't so content resting on mine, maybe I'd look it up. Let's look back, then, at 2003, to review what we learned during the first year of "Digital Slob." It may be fun, or not, but either way it beats working for a living.
What Slobs learned about ourselves:
>> Our "Hurricane Preparedness Kits" consist of rum, ameretto, orange juice, pineapple juice and grenadine.>> We microwave frozen dinners by punching in "2:22" on the timer instead of "2:00" because it's easier to hit "2" three times in a row than to refocus and reposition our index fingers for the "0" lower down on the pad.
>> Many of us are thinking about naming our firstborn TiVo (TiVette, if it's a girl).
>> We often furnish our apartments like we're FBI agents on a prolonged stakeout.
>> Many of us are finally ready to commit to a real relationship, and perhaps even marriage and children, now that the "Lord of the Rings" trilogy has run its course.
What Slobs learned about others:
>> Respectable People use technology to do more and accomplish more, while Digital Slobs use it to do less while accomplishing (roughly) the same amount. Respectable People want things to go faster, no matter how much extra effort it takes; Slobs want things to go easier, no matter how much extra time it takes.>> We shouldn't force technology on our elders. The Greatest Generation had to live through the Depression, World War II, the Red Scare, Vietnam, Watergate and even that year Pat Sajak left "Wheel of Fortune," and no one could be sure if he'd ever come back. After all that stress, must their twilight years be consumed by Windows XP as well?
What Slobs learned about the world around us:
>> The more TV people watch, the longer they live. In 1900, life expectancy was a paltry 46 years, a bleak era when not a single person watched TV (no one knows why). Now, we average 77 years -- 50 of them may be spent watching "Will & Grace" reruns, but that doesn't change the facts.>> The digital marketplace can be a seedy, dirty den of not-so-cheap thrills and broken high-tech dreams, sort of like a Bangkok nightclub with a Wi-Fi network.
>> In an age of camera phones and wireless Web access, we should keep this truth in mind for the sake of our would-be captive audiences: Instant tedium is still tedium.
See the Columnists section for some past articles.
Curt Brandao is the Star-Bulletin's production editor. Reach him at: cbrandao@starbulletin.com