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Honolulu Lite Charles Memminger |
This family Christmas letter
is (great, scary, for you)!
(Here just in time for holiday mailing is your "Honolulu Lite" Annual Handy-Dandy Christmas Family Letter. Just circle the relevant choices, clip letter out of the newspaper and mail!)
Happy Holidays 2003!
Dear (Friends, Family, Fugitives, Fellow Carnivores, Gitmo detainees),What a (busy, joyous, bizarre, sticky, relatively homicide-free) year it has been for our (family, clan, brood, chain gang, coven, cartel, bowling team, gene pool)!
Our youngest (son, daughter, kinkajou, herpes culture) spent the summer (hiking Europe, incarcerated, sleeping with Michael Jackson, porn surfing on the Internet). (He, she, it) received a (degree, grand jury subpoena, nasty rash, superficial gunshot wound, raccoon bite on the behind) from an accredited (university, preschool, lunch wagon, brothel, al-Qaida training camp) which will allow (him, her, it) to begin working with (small furry animals, recovering nymphomaniacs, skin lesions, Vegetarians Without Borders, a top-secret Special Forces ninja unit being organized by Attorney General John Ashcroft to break into the Democratic National Convention headquarters). We are so (proud, puzzled, mystified, righteously ticked off, bound by a confidentiality agreement to silence)!
Our oldest (son, daughter, constant disappointment) reached the (pinnacle, apogee, bitter end, vortex, rotten depths) of (his, her, its) (career, psychosis, pipe dream, hallucination) as a (writer, forger, identity thief, butcher, baker, candlestick maker) with an (essay, obnoxious expose, embarrassing admission, indictable utterance) in the book "Chicken Soup for the (Soul, Spleen, Pimple, Chicken)."
MY (wife, wives, husband, husbands, cellmate, rat viper, "rhymes with witch") and I have been (busy, hairy, eerily quiet) this year as well. I was (promoted, demoted, smacked around) to (night supervisor, head idiot, co-mayor of Nerd Town, Dalai Lama, gay Eagle Scout, Boss Tweed) down at the (office, plant, asylum, Jihad Joe Athletic Shoe Outlet Store). My other (half, quarter, tormentor, piranha fish, co-conspirator) continued in the family role of soccer (mom, dad, psychopath). When not (running, walking, staggering, unicycling) around town (shopping, stalking, rioting, naked), my (love, hero, living nightmare, scab on my existence) was busy (cooking, volunteering, jackin', pimpin', finding a cure for cancer). (He, she, it) managed to pile up (100,000 miles, 10 dead dogs, three parking meter readers, two crossing guards, U.S. Secretary of Health and Human Services Tommy Thompson) on the ol' (Buick, SUV, Hemi, motorized scooter, M1A Abrams battle tank).
The holidays promise to be (fulfilling, exciting, hopelessly depressing, bullet-riddled, icky) when all the little (grandkids, tax deductions, future incarcerees, old folks, circus clowns) rally here for the annual (feast, debacle, melee, group grope, police lineup)!
Hope your celebrations are as (festive, enjoyable, whacky, ghastly, indictment-free). Here's wishing you and (yours, that guy over there, a large hairless cat, U.S. Secretary of Health and Human Services Tommy Thompson) a Merry (Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, Kurban Bayrami, Whatever) and a Happy New (Year, Decade, Couch, Aardvark)!
See the Columnists section for some past articles.
Charles Memminger, winner of National Society of Newspaper Columnists awards, appears Tuesdays, Thursdays and Sundays. E-mail cmemminger@starbulletin.com