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Honolulu Lite Charles Memminger |
Three terrible tales
of mayo madnessProbably the worst thing about being founder and leader of the Worldwide I Hate Mayonnaise Club (www.nomayo.com) is hearing mayo horror stories from around the world. Or from our own back yard.
No Mayo Club crack investigators are currently tracking down a nasty rumor that a well-known local restaurant puts mayo into its chili to make it "creamy." Discretion, not to mention advice from counsel, prevents me from naming the establishment until the rumor is run to ground.
I'm hoping this is just another disgusting urban myth, but I've seen too many examples of people cavalierly adding the dreaded white gunk to perfectly good food. I once ordered opakapaka at an upscale restaurant, only to have the gorgeous (not to mention expensive) fillet delivered to the table with a quarter-inch of mayo on top. In my book, destroying such a fish in that manner is a capital offense. I asked the waiter to bring me my check and a small blue steel revolver and to have the cook wait for me in the kitchen, but to no avail (apologies to S.J. Perleman).
Sad news travels slowly in No Mayo World. A reader points out that in the book "Tanonaka In Tokyo II," published several years ago, former CNN news anchor and local boy Dalton Tanonaka avers that Hawaii-born sumo star Salevaa Atisanoe (Konishiki) ballooned to 569 pounds due to a secret addiction to mayo.
Konishiki's nickname was "meat bomb." Now, regretfully, we know he was actually a "mayo bomb." Atisanoe has lost a lot of weight since retiring from sumo, we hope with the help of a 12-step program (or however many steps it may take) to wean him from his unfortunate addiction.
FINALLY, SOME good news on the no-mayo front. A Texas woman has been sentenced to 10 years in prison for running over the manager of a McDonald's with her car because she wanted mayonnaise on her cheeseburger.
Homicidal urge is one of the well-known side effects of mayonnaise dependency, but this is the first time we know of anyone going to prison on a mayo-related crime.
According to the Dallas Morning News, Waynetta Nolan, 37, became so angry when her cheeseburger arrived without mayo that she threw the sandwich through the drive-through window. McManager Sherry Jenkins tried to appease the deranged mayo freak (always a dangerous gambit), but Nolan's wrath could not be stilled. Jenkins called the police, and when she stepped outside to take down the crazy woman's license plate number, the mayo maniac ran her over, breaking her pelvis.
I suppose we should feel sorry for Nolan, trying to cope in a harsh world with the mayo monkey on her back. Perhaps she will get the psychological help she needs in the joint to kick the mayo habit.
The Texas Mayo Rage Incident, however, may explain how Konishiki was able to rise to sumo's top ranks so quickly.
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Charles Memminger, winner of National Society of Newspaper Columnists awards, appears Tuesdays, Thursdays and Sundays. E-mail cmemminger@starbulletin.com