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Honolulu Lite Charles Memminger |
Driving survival
guide fast-trackedMy daughter is preparing to get her driver's learning permit, the reality of which has caused a large swath of gray hair to suddenly materialize on my head, and not in an attractive place.
To say I've dreaded the idea of my little girl -- and that she will be as long as I draw breath -- captaining a vehicle on Hawaii roadways is rank understatement. My self-diagnosed pre-traumatic stress syndrome condition has allowed me to worry about this eventuality from the first time I saw her tiny, squirming form via sonogram while still encased in her mother's womb.
It isn't that I doubt HER abilities, or at least, future abilities, to drive a car proficiently, it's that I am convinced beyond any measure of doubt (i.e., reasonable, a shadow of, all) that Hawaii drivers are simply the worst drivers in the country, possibly the world and, should the Hubble telescope ever be put to worthwhile investigation, the entire universe.
I base this finding on the fact that every time I venture onto the blacktop, my truck becomes the target of every cellular phone-wielding, plate lunch-eating, makeup-applying, SUV operator on the island.
FROM THE TIME my daughter was a mere tot, I intended to compose a comprehensive defensive driving guide to coincide with her getting her license, but I wasn't paying attention for a few moments and she suddenly grew up. (Don't you hate when that happens?)
So now I'm going to need all of your help to rapidly compile the "'Honolulu Lite' Guide to Surviving Hawaii's Highways and Byways (Without Resorting to Gun Play)" before my dumpling is loosed on the asphalt asylum.
I see the guide as a collection of truths, arranged by subject matter, to cause anyone who reads it to drive with the heightened sensation of paranoia and finely tuned feeling of impending doom needed to survive a trip on Hawaii roads.
For example, some opening observations might be:
>> When operating a motor vehicle, assume that everyone else on the road wants to crash into you. Because they do.Send your contributions to the driving survival guide to cmemminger@starbulletin.com for which you will receive absolutely nothing but the satisfaction of knowing the life you save may be your own.>> If you are on a two-lane road and another car is approaching, which lane will it be in? Correct. Your lane.
>> Everyone exceeds the posted speed limit except for the car you are stuck behind. The speed of that car will decrease in direct proportion to how late you are for an important engagement.
>> All traffic lights are synchronized by a sophisticated computer to assure they change to red when you approach the light from any point on the compass.
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Charles Memminger, winner of National Society of Newspaper Columnists awards, appears Tuesdays, Thursdays and Sundays. E-mail cmemminger@starbulletin.com
