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Honolulu Lite Charles Memminger |
Hawaii finally
steals first placeIt seems like every time someone takes a poll nationally or launches a study, Hawaii and/or Honolulu gets cheated. Like in a recent study showing that of the states with the best climate, Hawaii came in fourth or fifth behind Phoenix, Ariz., and Nutley, N.J. We know the competition had to be rigged because Phoenix doesn't have any climate. People there walk around in spacesuits. If they stepped out of the shade onto a sidewalk without protective clothing, they'd burst into flames.
There are always contests to determine which state has the best beaches, and again, Hawaii mysteriously gets whacked. Deadwood, S.D., apparently has the best beach in the country, followed by some place in Alaska. Hawaii came in 43rd for best beaches, just behind Phoenix, which doesn't even have an ocean nearby. (Phoenix apparently has some kind of awesome public relations machine working for it.)
The biggest insult, however, came from a poll of "States with the Most Interesting Yet Introspective Sunshine" in which we amazingly came in 52rd behind Angkor Wat and Macchu Picchu. You rarely hear about those two states because they usually are vacationing in other parts of the world.
ALL OF THIS whining is actually leading up to something. And that is ... wait, it's coming to me ... uh ... nope, it's gone. No, here it is: A new study has come out, and Hawaii actually came in first in one category and placed highly in others. Really.
According to an FBI study, Hawaii has a higher occurrence of theft than any other state in the union. Now, you might ask, How can theft in Hawaii be higher than, say, New York, which has millions more people than we do? The answer is that our thieves know how to apply themselves. The answer actually is that the stats are based on number of thefts per 100,000 residents. Thank God for that handicapping system, or we might have been beat out by Macchu Picchu again.
So, yeah, we're tops in the crime of theft, which might not seem like a great thing for a place that depends on tourism, but you take your victories where you can get them.
We also did extremely well in subcategories of theft. We were fourth in auto-theft nationally, which is surprising because when you steal a car on an island, there's really no place to take it. We were third in property crime, a difficult event because it entails things like kidnapping large tracts of land. You think hiding a stolen car is tough, try hiding Hawaii Kai.
We didn't do so well in the violent crime categories. We were 46th in the nation for murder and negligent manslaughter. According to the FBI, there were 1.9 homicides for every 100,000 residents. I'm not sure what happened to that .9 victim, but I suspect his prognosis is not good. But it's OK that we suck in the violent crime competition. It's like losing in synchronized swimming in the Olympics -- a sport, by the way, that has provoked many homicidal tendencies among viewers. It's also an event that clearly would be more interesting with the inclusion of firearms.
The FBI report doesn't even mention Phoenix, so I guess it isn't as cool as it thinks it is. At 123 degrees in the morning, how could it be?
See the Columnists section for some past articles.
Charles Memminger, winner of National Society of Newspaper Columnists awards, appears Tuesdays, Thursdays and Sundays. E-mail cmemminger@starbulletin.com
